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LMS XVII: Week 8 - Things That Go Bump In The Night

Posted: 2010-10-28

THE ZOOKEEPER is on his annual mid-season vacation hiatus this week at an undisclosed location. It gives the maintenance staff a chance to clean out THE VAN and fumigate certain areas as necessary, while re-stocking Muscatel inventory in preparation for the season's final second half journey into greatness for the aspiring football genius animals. It also gives us, the staff here at LMS, a chance to unlock the remnants...

...still sitting in the great man's mail box. Following are some such samples of his direct communication mail bag with the animals. The names have been changed in some circumstances to protect some real idiots. Other times, they have not.

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: Are you familiar with the Hindu practice of Karva Chauth, and do you think it is fair that my husband is demanding that I undertake the practice each year (even though we are catholic)? He says it will increase his chances to win your WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL? signed, SARI ANIMAL'S WIFE
DEAR SARI: THE ZOOKEEPER is very aware of this and all futile animal petitions to gain the attention of dame fortune. Like a low slider at the knees to Ryan Howard, or a Ray Lewis late game snatching grab, disaster is never more than a sudden moment away when you live in the cages. Petty attempts to alter fate in your favor are as common as bags of cash in Hamid Karzai's garage. Some animals will try anything to keep the evil spirits of the night at bay from the planned prosperity that they hope to attain through their certain football genius destiny. They are as frightened of the unexpected and unseen savagery that threatens their fragile existence, as fleeing tourists fearing to spend another night with New York City bed bugs, or Mel Gibson's agent waiting on a casting director's call. THE ZOOKEEPER does not endorse the usage of any particular protective amulets, voodoo rituals, or other talisman devices, but the determined Hindu practice of Karva Chauth is always one that he has found to be of a particular charm. He understands the desperate needs of the animals to seek any advantage in their struggle for weekly survival, and, if in the end, the wife might loose a few pounds in the process.. what the heck. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I am playing in your WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL for the first time and have just been eliminated by the stupid Broncos. I notice that this week's losing teams will now take the remaining number of surviving cages down to under 1500. Will you be running a "second chance" pool for all of us who have been eliminated? This pool is the highlight of my year and I don't know what I will do with out it. signed, SCOTTSMAN
DEAR SCOTTY: Get a life. Did you hear me? Get a life. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I have just been eliminated after WEEK SEVEN, but after WEEK SIX I had written to you and told you that if all others were interested, I would be willing to split this year's prize pool. Did they agree? signed, SLUGGO
DEAR SLUGGO: No. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER HONORABLE SIR AND MASTER OF ALL THE DIGNITARIES WHO COME TO VISIT YOU DOWN BY THE RIVER IN QUEST FOR A HOPEFUL SIP OF YOUR MUSCATEL: I am cageless and wandering in a stupor after having lost my 7 week spot last Sunday. I need another spot like a heroin user needs another fix or Randy Quaid needs a place to sleep for the weekend. Is it possible for you to check with the other animals to see if any of them would be willing to give up their cage to me? It would be for a premium, of course. I would also make it worth your while with a case of the finest Muscatel that I can afford. signed, YOUR SERVANT, ICEBUBBY
DEAR BUBBY: You and any other animals are free to negotiate whatever deals you can willingly offer and accept of each other. Seeing as how you have never finished higher than WEEK 7, however, I would caution your exuberance to pay a premium for your new planned cage. Don't go over $1,000. If you'd like, for $200 I could put your name in the "stupid letters" section. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I have been out since WEEK THREE, so I am able to spend my time contemplating matters of life on a much grander scale than the remaining caged ones. My question to you is this: why did my college professor make me memorize the prologue to the Canterbury Tales? You know, that whole "whan that april" stuff? It never helped me pick up chicks and it only frightens my children when I get drunk and recite it now. Wasn't this an awful waste? signed DOLPHIN
DEAR DOLPHIN: Clearly, the Weekly Reports are not meant for everyone and I think that you mistake THE ZOOKEEPER for some middle english fan rather than the early romantic zealot and William Blake admirer that he is. I suggest you give up on Chaucer and learn to recite "Casey at the Bat" or "The Shooting of Dangerous Dan McGrew" for your children. They will still think you strange, but you will find that you will get invited to many more parties. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I have been a part of this great pool for several years and almost made it to December one year except for that bastard from Detroit who I hope falls asleep while driving and plunges over a cliff, but that is now why I am writing to you. I know how you can make this pool better: you should make people take 2 winning picks in each of the first three weeks of the season and then change it to a "pick a loser" pool for the next four weeks before returning to the remainder of the pool where the animals would have to pick a visiting team who's nickname is also the name of a bird. Also, I think that if anyone picks a tie game, they should automatically gain entry into the final week of the season. What do you think? signed, KENNY BOY
DEAR KENNY: You are more annoying than 50 drunks in a bar. Do you know what I think that you should do? Well then, go do it. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: The dang woodchucks keep chucking my wood and laughing at me. It disturbs my concentration as I contemplate my picks each week. What can be done about this? signed, LARRY LINKS
DEAR LINKS: THE ZOOKEEPER finds that patience will help in all situations. That is all that he can tell you. Sorry. ZK

Hurricanes, Cyclones, Typhoons, Tsunamis, Volcanic eruptions and earthquakes may have subsided across the planet, but here the cages remain volatile. Time for this week's numbers:

5371 OUT, 11 DQ'D, 1423 IN. 795 CHEFS, 184 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 179 COWBOYS (bastards), 77 LAMBS, 66 PATRIOTS, 52 COLTS, 26 NATIVE AMERICANS, 12 RAYDAHS, 9 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 5 CARDINALS, 5 DOLPHINS, 4 LIONS, 2 TITANS, 2 BRONCOS, 2 BENGALS, 2 BUCS, and one lone wolf JAGGYWIRE.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS goes to the lone Jaggywire, AW AW RAMS. Here's hoping that we do not have yet another Jaguar mauling incident, AW.

That's it for this week. Good luck to all. We're just the staff, so we don't even know who Notre Dame plays this week and we doubt anybody cares. Peace to you all. Out.

LMS Management Staff