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LMS XVII: Week 5 - Staying Alive

Posted: 2010-10-02

The journey continues. Please remain seated with your arms and legs inside your cages at all times. Remove eyeglasses and headwear.

THE ZOOKEEPER was in a pretty foul mood this week. First, he felt sure that he would clean out the Saints and Falcons cages in WEEK FOUR, and, but for some last minute football malarkey and shenanigans, would have done so nicely. Instead, he had to settle for...

... the numbing comfort of his medicinal Muscatel to help ease the burden of the still too heavily weighted cages. Thankfully, Josh Scobee's 59 yard field goal at the gun helped unload some of his troubled needs in those dark hours. Secondly, a host of despicable animals once again refused to go peacefully to their chosen cages. Final ultimatums to those beasts should be taken most seriously. But to top it all off, those bastard bourgeoisie blonde herring sucking commie twits in Stockholm once again failed to recognize his Nobel deserving efforts for literary genius and instead paid out some Peruvian Paganini who's body of work falls seriously short of the man's Muscatel induced ramblings, por mucho. So it goes. iSuperalo ya!

Just as mysterious as the global honey bee colony collapse disorder phenomenon, LMS Animal attention span disturbances continued once again this week. Failing to last longer than the trapped Chilean miners, 6 more animals were DQ'D following WEEK FOUR selections. AW PINNACLE, FABIANUS, JIZZLE 2, OBXER, SPOONY, and WALNUT WACKERS couldn't count to five without stumbling, and so depart from this year's WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL with the ignominious DQ tag following them to their abrupt and inglorious conclusion. Sorry, well meant good fellows. Third place is the best that you can do this year. Cheer up. It's not as bad as a toxic sludge flood and there is still time to plan a big dinner for Canadian Thanksgiving Day. Unlike Martin Frobisher's worthless ore, take heart in knowing that your fellow animals found your WEEK FOUR selections to be priceless.

Time for this week's numbers. With more veracity than the Obama Administration's finger crossed oil spill declarations, here is the truth you seek:

3084 OUT, 8 DQ'D, 3713 IN. 1395 COLTS, 721 BENGALS, 533 RAVENS, 296 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 221 SAINTS, 188 COWBOYS, 159 FALCONS, 50 JAGGYWIRES, 33 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 30 LIONS, 29 49ERS, 20 TEXANS, 20 BEARS, 5 BILLS (I don't make this stuff up), 5 PACKERS (from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field), 4 EGGLES, 3 PANTHERS, 2 LAMBS, and (get this) 1 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELER (guess he didn't like the Dolphins, Seahawks, or Patriots).

PICK OF THE WEEK HONOR should go to F-FAVRE with that STEELERS pick since they are a bye team this week. We can only conclude that he is a) dumber than an empty Muscatel jug, b) under the influence of a once full Muscatel jug, c) wracked with the pressure of this weekly ordeal and wanting to end it all now, or d) dumber than an empty Muscatel jug and now will be soon be begging and pleading THE ZOOKEEPER to change what was an obvious Sponsor error so that his kids won't be forever bullied in cyber chat rooms. Runner ups DOMINATION STATION and OBI WON KANOBI are now believers in the resurgent Rams. Yes. That and a few personal hygiene lessons will cure all your ills.

That's it for this week. GEO 3 goes for an incredible 39th straight victory this week. GEO 3 surpassed STANKASS JOEY WAX at the 38 mark last week and is in unchartered territory with his record setting streak. Coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson. Joltin Joe awaits. The Kelly era continues forward as the Irish look to continue their winning ways at home on Saturday. Watch out for deer on the roads, drivers. Major props to Doc Halliday and Tim Lincecum. It really is October! Peace. Out.