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LMS XVII: Week 1 - Captain's Log Star Date 2010.91

Posted: 2010-09-10

The gang is all here. Everybody decided to skip the Quran burning party. Even the Chilean miners have passed up buckets containing their WEEK ONE selections, as they anxiously await the first of many hoped for returned weekend scores to be dropped back down into the hole of their otherwise monotonous daily struggles. They are just the same as you animals...

...desperately offering up aspirations to the powers above while waiting for fortune to shine down upon you.

THE ZOOKEEPER has once again handled the annual introductory onslaught of beasts with his usual sense of style, patience, keen expertise, and knowing placement into the cages. His opening week Muscatel consumption has been moderately medicinal by his grand standards, and supplies of the grape are in place for yet another trip into that dimension which is unlocked with the key of anticipation, the key that opens the door into the world not only of sight and sound, but into the world of the elusive fame of Football Genius. It is a world of shadow and substance, beyond that which is known to the common man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as boundless as the abyss of all that can be held in the infinity of 17 weeks of dedicated football prognostication. It is from this junction of time and space, where you now find yourself, that you have accepted your invitation to examine the depths of your skill, the edge of your courage, and the strength of your passion, in search of that ground beyond light and shadow, beyond science and superstiton, beyond the pit of your fears and the summit of your knowledge. You now depart. There is no signpost up ahead. You've just crossed over into THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. Now, please get your picks in on time and don't back sass your sponsors.

Picture if you will a small, roundish man wearing an English Bowler style hat, caught in sight only in rare glimpses, as he briefly emerges from a weathered Van Down by the River, relieves himself behind the nearby heavy brush, grabs yet another gallon jug of Muscatel stacked on pallets nearby, and quickly disappears once again into the sanctuary of that Van. Such is all that we can know of the process that is WEEK ONE Cage Loading. Yet we know that when the Commodore 64 within spits the final data output into Caged translation, you will know that something magic is once again underway. Yes, that small roundish man has done it once again. 6,750 or so caged animals now form the stuff that dreams will be made of for the next 17 weeks. Another quick glimpse, another snatched jug, another year underway.

Magic underway my ass. They arrive like drunken conventioneers just getting off the bus in North Waziristan. The little lawless bastards are everywhere. They overwhelm like French transit strikers with their petty demands for THE ZOOKEEPER's attention and care.

His patience is now tried. Get into your cages on time and in your proper order or you will discover the short end of a Muscatel jag gone terribly bad.

SOME HELPFUL HINTS to keep you animals from going into a cataleptic trance if you see something amiss in WEEK ONE:
1) If your pick is incorrectly listed - just tell your SPONSOR to fix it. (but you'd better do this before noon on Sunday or before Thursday's kickoff).
2) If you can't find your pick - just tell your SPONSOR to fix it. (See item 1)
3) If your wonderfully creative name is listed more than once (can't imagine why there would be so many TBONES), be patient. Future weeks will list your SPONSOR'S initials after your identifying tag. THE ZOOKEEPER knows who you are. He knows many things.
4) Never, never, never panic.

That's about it. This train is pulling out of the station. I'm sure that some of these animals will need adjustments to get into their proper cages and we will have some changes to make, but, for now, there is no refudiating these numbers:

6840 . 2076 TITANS, 1485 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 1105 BEARS (OH MY), 571 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 238 DOLPHINS, 226 PATRIOTS, 205 49ERS, 186 SAINTS, 162 CARDINALS, 113 PACKERS FROM THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD, 100 COLTS, 97 COWBOYS, 70 BUCS, 41 FALCONS, 35 JAGGYWIRES, 31 BROWNS, 17 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 16 RAVENS, 15 BILLS, 1 3 BRONCOS (bastards), 10 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 6 LAMBS, 4 LIONS, 3 TEXANS, 3 SEAHAWKS, 4 EGGLES, 2 VIKINGS, 2 NATIVE AMERICANS, 2 PANTHERS, AND TWO LONE WOLF SELECTIONS, 1 BENGAL, AND 1 CHEF

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS - ZK thought for sure that Uncle Pierre would be in the hunt here with his annual opening BILLS pick, but how do you not give the nod to the two animals who decided that of all the 7 point spread action on the table in this opening week, the BENGALS and the CHEFS would be their best bet. Congratulations to LEXIS (BENGALS) and JARHEADS WIFE (CHEFS). Perhaps you two can write a guest column next week explaining the latest tax plans to us.

So much for this week. We're off and running. THE ZOOKEEPER pledges to get a firm (well, more firm) handle on all the cages by the end of this week, but you know that at least tonight's action is locked down. The Fighting Irish look to continue their perfect season on Saturday against a tough Michigan squad fresh off a pounding over the Huskies. Thanks to all for playing in this, THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. We should have some fun. Peace. Out.

ZK