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LMS XVI Final Report: That's All There Is

Posted: 2010-01-07

It was as if a Japanese submarine had slammed two torpedoes into the cages. THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL was in the final moments of being delivered in WEEK SEVENTEEN. 5 animals went down in the one o'clocks. 255 Broncos went down less than four hours later. Bastards. The thing about the Broncos that these 16-1 animals will remember for years to come is that these bastards got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When you make them your pick they don't seem to be living...

...until they bite you and those black eyes roll over white and then .... ah, then you hear the high pitched screaming coming from the cages. All the animals know that the time they fear the most comes in moments like these .... waiting your turn. So, 6,692 went into the water. 136 came out. Sharks took the rest. January the 3rd, 2010. Anyway, we delivered THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL.

In the words of the immortal Don Dunphy as Billy Conn struggled to get up against the great Joe Lewis, " No, the referee says it's all over." Or, to paraphrase the late Howard Cosell, "Down go the Broncos. Down go the Broncos. Down go the Broncos."

A wild finish in WEEK SEVENTEEN saw 396 cages cleaned down to an ergonomically adequate 136, as the two touchdown home favorite Broncos, needing a "win and in" for the playoffs, fell victim to the cage cleaning Kansas City Chefs in a stunning LMS finish that included 2 who had "saved the Colts" for the final week, 2 who were happy that they could still pick against the Browns for their planned final payout, and that 1 Tampa Bay Buc who simply must have been out of his mind with the excitement of it all.

With a bang and a whimper, 136 FOOTBALL GENIUSES emerged at the top of this year's heap, with 6,539 of their fellow animals finishing in a close tie for second place, and 17 DQ dummies being forced to play out their LMS XVI time in perpetual purgatory. Winners will receive 1230* units, a near 2500% return on their original investment (which is almost as much as they could have got pawning their old gold jewelry), while second place finishers will receive a lovely set of steak knives. Sponsors will need to contact THE ZOOKEEPER with the names and addresses of their triumphant genius animals. Second place finishers need only to appear in person with two forms of picture ID's at THE VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER to claim their prizes. (*More astute animals may note that the actual mathematical calculation for winners comes to 1230.14705 and change. THE ZOOKEEPER is keeping the vig to tip the Muscatel delivery boy for his efforts throughout the season.) As always, tax implications should be discussed with your personal tax advisors.

In true participatory democratic spirit, animals are encouraged to suggest any rule changes for next year that they feel will improve upon THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. Suggestions must be submitted on official rule change request forms which are available by applying in person at THE VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. We welcome your thoughts.

Attached here are two documents. One is the statistical breakdown of players and winners over the past 16 years for those of you who crave such numbers. The other is a New Year's letter from our friend Matt White, founder of Matt White Cure ALS Foundation (, for those of you who crave such spirit. I've been told that typing at a rate of ~ 8 characters per minute Matt got this job done in about a month. If you can support Matt's efforts, please do (but please be clear that you DO NOT need to root for Butler when they play ND.)

Farewell for now, animals. THE ZOOKEEPER has nothing more to offer you. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, will creep in its petty pace until all the yesterday's light the way in August when THE ZOOKEEPER will be expected to again return from his long recuperative rest at his non-seasonal home, the secret fortress of solitude. Until then, you will need to be satisfied telling your own idiot tales, strutting and fretting your next hours in the cages, hoping not to be the poor players who choose poorly to be caged no more, but rather much appreciated LMS animals full of sound and fury, signifying something more than nothing. Peace. Out.

As Sergeant Preston of the Yukon Police would say, "King, this case is closed."