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LMS XVI: Week Seventeen - Ringing Out the Old, the Animals Await their Fate
Posted: 2010-01-04
Despite his public stance that a number of large upsets are still possible in this final week, it is now reported that THE ZOOKEEPER has been in serious training for the past several weeks. On a rigorous daily schedule, he has been transcribing... ...copies of Tolstoy and Faulkner's lengthiest works, in anticipation of the strength and stamina he may need to summon, in order to step up to the worst of the worst scenarios for his cage cleaning efforts this week - writing individual checks to 396 victorious football geniuses.
In a related note, the LMS Staff confirmed that there will be no continuation of this year's edition of THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL into playoff games, nor will there be any asterisks placed next to the names of this year's winning champions. It all comes to an end this Sunday with winners being granted full LMS FOOTBALL GENIUS status, regardless of their numbers. Second place finishers who continue to pester the ZK with pleas for continuation to make this year's ending "more exciting" are asked to contact the 396 wannabe geniuses for their opinion on whether or not this week's games will be "exciting" enough. The ZOOKEEPER suggests that these losers just say, "thank you", and go on their way. Otherwise, they are encouraged to grab a weapon and stand post. Either way, THE ZOOKEEPER doesn't really give a damn what they think they're entitled to.
Imagine if you will a strange world of neither sight nor sound, a world to be found only in the distant strains of the imagination of the mind. Imagine also the angst of saving the Saints for 16 weeks and then watching them collapse to the Bucs in WEEK SIXTEEN. Ouch. Twilight Zone stuff indeed. It's enough to drive you to the Muscatel. Worse yet, how about saving the Colts for 16 weeks and then having Jim Caldwell send in Curtis Painter to bring you to your LMS doom? Painful. Pass the jug, please. Giant fans can fill in their own bad beat story here. But worst of all has to be the two DQ'S that we had in WEEK SIXTEEN! Are you kidding me? LUCKY LILLY and BOVABITCH will forever be etched in LMS lore as incredible animal losers taking the DQ pipe in such a late week. You guys amaze the rest of the cages. Have you offered any of your other expert advice, like marriage counseling services, to Charlie Sheen or Tiger?
The final charts are now locked and set for WEEK SEVENTEEN. This is it, animals, the night of nights. Take a cup for kindness sake for these remaining cages hoping to cap their perfect season in a bid for FOOTBALL GENIUS and a piece of LMS immortality. An incredible 18 teams are in play for this week's final action, including 6 Lone Wolf selections looking to take it all down in the shadow of a rare blue moon. Here are your final numbers:
6279 OUT, 17 (yes, two more) DQ'D, 396 IN IT TO WIN IT.
265 BRONCOS RIDING THE VEGAS CHALK
47 49ERS FEEDING OFF THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
32 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
9 TITANS REMEMBERING THAT THE SEAHAWKS HAVE BEEN PIGEONS ALL SEASON LONG
9 DA BEARS WAGERING THAT THE LIONS HAVE NO COURAGE
8 LIGHTNING BOLTS HOPING SAN DIEGO CAN HOLDS THEIR CHARGE ONE MORE TIME
7 RAVENS JUST WANTING TO WIN, BABY, WIN OVER THIS YEARS CAGE KILLERS, DA RAYDAH'S
5 TEXANS LOOKING FOR NEW ENGLAND TO LAY DOWN AND REST UP FOR THE PLAYOFFS
2 COLTS (if you lay down in WEEK SIXTEEN do you lay down in WEEK SEVENTEEN?)
2 CHEFS ( do we smell hedge bet here?) WHAT IF LENNY DAWSON FIRES TWO TD'S TO OTIS TAYLOR AND MIKE GARRET RUNS FOR 122 YARDS BEHIND ED PODOLAK WHILE BUCK BUCHANAN AND WILLIE LANIER SHUT DOWN THE BRONCO OFFENSE? IT COULD HAPPEN?
2 FALCONS LOOKING FOR THE MIRACLE BUCS TO HAVE A LET DOWN AFTER LAST WEEK'S SAINTS SMASHING
2 JAGGYWIRES WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN THE RESURGENT BROWNS
and SIX lone wolf selections looking to take it all down - 1 VIKING (nice save for the final week?), 1 PANTHER (hoping the Saints continue to lay low), 1 BILL (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?), 1 STEELER (BASTARDS!), 1 CLEVELAND BROWN (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) and 1 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEER (WEEK 17 AND YOU TAKE THE BUCS! GOD I LOVE THIS POOL!!)
PICK OF THE WEEK honors go to the six lone wolves: HOROWITZ (bills), WHISKEYTANGOFOXTROT (browns), KNIGHTIME (bucs), DEATHINVEGAS (panthers), KASCHER (steelers), and LAFAYETTE QB7 (vikings). All taking their shot for a walk on the moon. Good luck animals!
That's it for this week and this year. Will it all end with a bang or a whimper? You load Seventeen Weeks and what do you get? A chance at immortality and a chance to unload some debt. Check your picks in the attached sheet carefully, animals. We wouldn't want any mis-steps at this point. You've got until Sunday morning for final review. The cages can be cruel to those who take their responsibility lightly. Best wishes to all in 2010. R.I.P. shout out to Joe R. (NAILS JR 18). Gone from these ephemeral cages but not forgotten. Peace. Out.
ZK