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LMS XVI: Week Fifteen - The Animals Help in Search for the Missing Zookeeper

Posted: 2009-12-26

As of this time, the staff and employees of THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL are still not in direct communication with THE ZOOKEEPER, who has mysteriously disappeared without any forwarding information as to his whereabouts. This most unusual behavior is of special concern due to ...

...reports that he had seemed clearly distraught over his inability to clean a greater volume of cages than have been cleaned to date. It was reported on Monday that someone had seen him throw an empty Muscatel jug at a UPS truck that was delivering a pallet of ink and a crate marked "Check Supplies". While we are working with the authorities to follow every possible lead to find him in time for this weekend's games, we would like to thank the many animals who have reported sightings and/or suggestions as to his current status. Some of these helpful communications are noted below.

Additionally, also posted below are the reported numbers for the week that were scribbled on a note found underneath a rock near the right front tire of THE VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. The location of this note was directed to the staff by an anonymous phone call recording received late last night. We cannot confirm its validity at this time, so we urge all animals to please check their picks carefully for any inconsistencies this week.

We thank you for your concern and patience in this matter. - LMS Management Staff

Dear LMS people: I think I saw THE ZOOKEEPER outside a CVS Store last night in a Santa Claus suit, ringing a bell for the Salvation Army. I'm pretty sure it was him because he was swigging from a Muscatel jug and singing Christmas songs off key but very loudly. signed SPOTTER
Dear SPOTTER: Thank you for your help but it probably wasn't him. When he drinks, he usually sings on key.

Dear LMS: A guy came into my pawn shop yesterday to see how much money he could get for a collection of old Sebastian Cabot record albums. He seemed relieved when I told him that I wasn't interested. Do you think that it could have been your guy? He smelled like a wino. signed BIG HOSS
Dear HOSS: If he comes in again, please keep him there by telling him that you can hook him up with some vintage Muscatel and then call us. Thanks.

Dear LMS: I have it from a guy who knows that THE ZOOKEEPER was at the NFL offices in New York this week trying to work a deal with Roger to get some games dumped in the next couple of weeks. Word is that Roger ok'd the Browns over the Steelers but ZK was ticked off because the animal cages cleaned didn't hit "blackout" status, and he wanted more for what he had paid. I'm not sure where they left the situation, but my buddy says that ZK left the meeting shouting "Don't forget what happened to Jimmy Hoffa" loudly as he left the room. signed HRKING. ps. Do you think that you could put the animals who had the Steelers in that game back in their cages in light of this news?
Dear HR: A quick review of your cage shows that you had the Steelers in that game with the Browns. Thanks for your help and congratulations on your second place finish.

Dear LMS: I saw the bouncers at a New York City strip club toss a drunk guy out the door who was wearing one of those English Bowler hats and screaming about the fact that they didn't serve Muscatel, and something about the girls being held like sex slave animals in their cages. It was creepy, but me and my buddies went inside for some lap dances so I can't tell you much more than that. signed UNCLE BUCK
Dear BUCK: Thank you. Enclosed find a one dollar bill for your help. We're sure you'll use it wisely.

Dear LMS: I think I saw him at a poker table in Atlantic City last night. He kept complaining about how he was getting "rivered" with bad beats all season and how the Rams and the Lions didn't belong in the game. Whomever the guy was, he kept complaining that the Muscatel wasn't complimentary. signed MR. MUSTANG
Dear MUSTANG: Very interesting lead. Please let us know if you see him again. He usually likes the $1/$2 no limit game and plays 5-8 off suit from early position hard.

Dear LMS: I know where that B**CH is but I'm too buys with health care right now to bother telling you. signed CHUCK THE SHOE (out in WEEK TWO).
Dear CHUCK: Thank you, but ZK has us under strict orders not to listen to any information that comes from you.

Dear LMS: I saw him consoling Tiger Woods last night. It was some dive bar in South Bend, and they were getting pretty bombed on some Muscatel. Tiger was telling THE ZOOKEEPER that he was robbed and the job should have been his, and THE ZOOKEEPER was telling Tiger he had a spare cage back at THE VAN if he needed a place to stay. JESPER
Dear JESPER: That's preposterous. THE ZOOKEEPER doesn't have enough spare empty cages right now.

Keep those leads coming. We know he'll show up soon. The Muscatel delivery man just dropped off another shipment at THE VAN. Here are the scribbled numbers we found:

5801 OUT, 15 DQ'D, 876 IN. 338 BRONCOS, 205 TEXANS, 175 CARDINALS, 79 EGGLES, 31 SEAHAWKS, 16 PATRIOTS, 13 RAVENS, 5 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 5 SAINTS, 4 TITANS, 3 VIKINGS, and two lone wolf selections, 1 LIGHTNING BOLT, and 1 COLT.

While we do not have the authority to name the PICK OF THE WEEK selection, it is probably fair to say that it will go to THE MICKSTER with the Chargers over the 61/2 point road Bengals. CASH is already back in his cage with that Colt pick last night.

That's all from here. Please keep your searches vigilant and send much needed prayers for Brian Kelly. That's what we're sure he would want. Peace. Out.