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LMS XVI: Week Fourteen - Winter's First Snow Arrives as the Animals Continue to Cling Safely in thei

Posted: 2009-12-12

Listen to this story. Phaethon was the son of Helios, or so claimed his mother, Clymene. Phaethon wasn't so sure. With paternity tests not being what they are today, the impetuous lad went to the east to ask Helios for proof that the sun god, indeed, was his father. As proof, Helios told Phaethon that he could have anything he wanted. Phaethon decided he wanted ...

... to drive the sun god's chariot across the earth's sky (what kid doesn't want the keys to the old man's car?) It was not a wise choice. The immortal fire breathing horses that pulled the chariot, feeling the weakness in the hands on their reins from a mere mortal, dragged Phaethon across the sky wildly out of control. Several times he crashed to the earth scorching all that the chariot touched. Zeus, realizing that this situation was in need of correction, threw a thunderbolt that instantly killed Phaethon and ended his destructive ride. Zeus did not dither around.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot you might be asking at this point. STFU and keep reading.

THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL is now down to four weeks and counting as the cages remain crowded, Muscatel stocks continue to dwindle, national health care debate drones on, and Tiger's numbers continue to soar to Wilt Chamberlin-like status. Publicly, THE ZOOKEEPER continues to maintain an optimistic outlook that cages will be cleaned in predicted expectations over the next four weeks, but privately many have reported his binge drinking on the rise and suspect that he fears otherwise. Thankfully, the Geminid Meteor Shower arrives this weekend.

WEEK THIRTEEN'S cage cleaning results have kept this years genius crop in their cages at still historic highs for this time of year. A paltry cleaning was seen with the loss of 161 not so mighty mighty Steelers, 12 Patriots who didn't cheat well enough, and 1 DQ'D Bear (yes, THE MAN was DQ'D in WEEK THIRTEEN for a double selection). 174 more animals will have sad Christmas stories to tell, but that's still not enough to shake the cages down to non-arthritic levels for THE ZOOKEEPER'S tired wrists.

And so, it is into this atmosphere that the pending arrival of cosmic dust from the now extinct comet 3200 Phaethon (you remember Phaethon), soon to be sweeping across the celestial cages, is hoped to provide the inspiration for THE ZOOKEEPER'S latest attempt to empty the horde of pretender geniuses remaining in the mix, as he gathers the strength to toss one mighty thunderbolt at the still caged animals.

And that's where we are going into WEEK FOURTEEN. The thunderbolt awaits. Now your numbers:

5747 OUT, 15 DQ'D, 930 IN. 684 TITANS, 74 PATRIOTS, 70 RAVENS, 48 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 15 COLTS, 13 TEXANS, 9 SAINTS, 7 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 3 CARDINALS, 3 PACKERS from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, and 4 lone wolf selections staying off the chalk with 1 VIKING, 1 RAYDAH, 1 CHEF, 1 NATIVE AMERICAN.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS is well deserved in WEEK FOURTEEN to all of the lone cage selectors who are angling for the big fall to bring it all down. TIP TOP has saved the Vikings for this 6 1/2 home favorite game over the Bengals. L TONE has the cajones to take the Raiders as a near pick 'em game at home over the Native Americans, while CARWASH has the opposite opinion on that game. TIMMY TIME has the Chiefs, another near pick 'em game, at home against the Bills. Chiefs, Raiders, Redskins in WEEK FOURTEEN - nice. Split the honors, animals.

That's it for this week. The Irish look for a Kelly to shake down the thunder and lead them back to glory days. LMS Gift Certificate Christmas stocking stuffers remain on sale for $50 while they last. R.I.P. Liam Clancy. Peace. Out.

ZK