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LMS XVI: Week Thirteen - The Animals Learn to Spell Triskaidekaphobia

Posted: 2009-12-05

There was shattered glass and a body lying in the mud near the puddle that was near the tree. A three iron gleaming nearby in the moonlight looked oddly out of place. It was a frenzied scene. Helicopters were swirling in the skies above. Media trucks with satellite dishes sat collecting their precious drops of bandwidth like sacred vessels collecting blood in an ancient ritual being acted out. The street...

...was filled with buzzing hordes of desperate reporters waving microphones like Aztec spears, seeking the opportunity to strike at first opening. Rampant internet speculation and updated face book reports were twittering the airwaves with the latest hot photos, cool voice mails, and unconfirmed but suspicious conjectures. No, it wasn't the scene at the end of Tiger's driveway, it was the action DOWN BY THE RIVER where caged masses were hovering over THE ZOOKEEPER in numbers too great to be imagined, mocking his pending arthritic nightmare. They had him beaten to the ground in exhaustive cage work. He was chasing the neighborhood kids with the three iron after they had sprayed graffiti on the side of THE VAN with the numbers "1104/5", when he slipped and fell, smashing the Muscatel jug. But, no, thankfully, he had just consumed the last of that grape; that wasn't the cause of the puddle near the tree. There are some transgressions you just don't need to know about.

Dad-gum it. Only 8 cages cleaned in WEEK 12. The mocking animals continue to haunt THE ZOOKEEPER'S private life with their taunts that something must be wrong with THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL, if so many geniuses remain. The monotony of this thing is beginning to feel like a bowling league that seemed like a good idea when you signed up four months earlier. Nothing seems to be able wrestle these animals out of their cages (Ha! Try to tell that to BB BOGATA who sat with the Cardinals in WEEK TWELVE, watching Vince Young take the Titans 99 yards with three fourth down conversions, the final one a winning score with no time left - ooooh, that one had to hurt).

THE ZOOKEEPER continues to insist that he is not dithering on this issue. He has promised an announcement shortly on his plan to rid the cages of these pretentious animals, who continue to hang around like Michaele Salahi at a Native American half time show, all of them claiming to be certain of football geniuses. Speculation is that he is planning to deploy a surge of Muscatel fueled intensity over the next five weeks as part of a master strategy to clean out these imposters.

In the meantime, welcome to December's rare air, animals. Some of you are here for the first time ever after having played many years. Some rookies think this is just too easy. The first of December's full moons has arrived and 1104 animals (clearly a record for this time of year) remain caged. Just breathe the cool air and keep winning, baby. Will you remain caged when this New Year's eve brings about the rare blue moon? Or will you be standing alone, without a dream in your hearts, without a love of your own? ..... Time for this week's numbers:

5574 OUT 14 DQ'D 1104 IN. 525 BENGALS, 159 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 138 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 128 DA BEARS, 39 SAINTS, 39 BRONCOS, 31 PANTHERS, 26 COLTS, 12 PATRIOTS, 5 EGGLES, and two lone wolf animals trying to take it down with 1 PACKER from the frozen tundra of Lambeau field, and 1 J -E - T- S JETS JETS JETS.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS gets divided between BLUES HOUND taking the Thursday night game in Toronto with the 3 point favorite Jets, and THE FLOMASTER taking the 3 1/2 point favorite Packers in the Monday nighter at Lambeau Field. Thanks guys. A reason to watch all the games this weekend.

That's it for this week. Don't forget that LMS Gift Certificates are the perfect present for that hard to buy for someone in your life. To quell the rumor: THE ZOOKEEPER has made Jack Swarbrick aware that he is decidedly NOT interested in the position. He has much unfinished work to do in the cages. R.I.P. Tommy Henrich, Foge Fazio, and UGA VII. Peace. Out.