The Virtual Dorm
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
-- Man Law
LMS XVI: Week Eight - Stubborn Animals Reject the Cage Opt Out PlanPosted: 2009-10-30
We approach the half-way mark of LMS XVI with an unruly multitude of animals continuing to cling to their impossible dreams. It looks like the oh-so-many football geniuses in waiting are threatening to never vacate their cages, hanging around like slimmed down versions of Mark McGwire loitering around the batting cage. THE ZOOKEEPER is anxiously reviewing
...the fine print of his health care plan to check on his coverage for pre-existing arthritic conditions in the event of massive check writing pain that not even copious servings of Muscatel will soothe. For those of you keeping score in Nashville, the number remaining is still about 914 animals more than the number of ants on a Tennessee ant hill. With Chargers, Bears, Cardinals and Cowboys dominating WEEK EIGHT, it appears near certain that this week's ride will be as smooth and as easy as a Northwest Airlines flight from San Diego to Minneapolis. What could possibly go wrong? Then again, it is Halloween weekend. Things could get spooky. Be careful, animals. THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL starts to get scary quicker than Sarah will turn on Levi. It's an Alaskan thing.
THE ZOOKEEPER stopped the daily paper delivery and shuttered up THE VAN this week to take some R&R. Rumor has it that he is partying with Andre Agassi, getting in an early round on the 838 mile Nullarbor Links course just opened in Australia, while waiting for his H1N1 vaccine supply to arrive. In his absence, we have decided to publish some notes found in his inbox to show you why he needs R&R beyond the normal supply of Muscatel intake. Animals wonder if these letters are real. Yes, sadly, they are. Some names have been changed to protect their offspring. Yes, they breed.
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I will be out of town for my cousin's wedding this weekend and won't have access to email (there is no internet there). Would it be alright if I sent you my pick when I get home on Sunday night? signed. DUMBER THAN SPIT
DEAR DUMBER: Sure. No problem. But I am just curious to know where is it in the Appalachian hills that you are going for your combined wedding and family reunion? Where don't they have internet access? I'd like to go there. In fact, when I do, I'll come back on Sunday night and tell you what team you picked that week. Deal? ZK
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I can't friggin believe that I got taken out by Jamarcus Russell's Raiders over my Donovan McNabb Eagles. Now, I'm starting to get the shakes as Sunday is coming around soon and I don't have a pick to make. I need this fix bad. Can you tighten a sister up here? I've advertised on Craig's List, but I haven't seen any responses yet. Can you let any animals still in their cages know that I'll do ANYTHING to buy their spot from them. Tell them that I can be very creative in negotiating a great offer for them. I'll do ANYTHING! signed, DESPERATE BLONDE
DEAR BLONDIE: Yes, and you're quite a buxomy blonde, too. Unfortunately, conflict of interest issues prevent THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL from advertising derivative trading opportunities. Should you find a willing seller on your own, however, you would be most welcome to jump back in and share with us more of that football genius that you possess. Have you tried the Bensalem Township, PA Police department? ZK (ps. THANKS! for the photo!)
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I just watched the Myth Busters TV show and they picked up a car with strips of duct tape. Why couldn't the Jets hold the ball against the Bills? signed, MOBITZ
DEAR MOBITZ: Some things are just mysteries. Welcome to second place. ZK
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I've been showing Baby Einstein CD's to my newborn for the past month and I've noticed that if I put two football helmets in his crib, his eyes go towards the one who wins on Sunday. I know that it is too late this year, but is there an age limit that would prevent him from participating in THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL next year? signed, AMBITIOUS
DEAR AMBITIOUS: Of course there is an age limit here. It's just that no one remembers what it is. Keep that kid working for you until the county people come around to discuss the issues with you. Good luck. ZK
DEAR ZOOKEEPER: This pool blows. Year after year I waste my money getting into this stupid thing and it always turns out the same - somebody who doesn't know JACK SCHITT about why the Eagles was a great pick against the Raiders, ends up telling me that I didn't know what I was doing. Bullcrap. I'm sick of it. SICK OF IT! I will not be returning next year. And don't give me any nonsense about the charities that benefit from this. I've been playing for over ten years, I'm on a fixed income, and I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE STINKING DIME FROM THIS STUPID POOL! I'm also sick of your stupid weekly reports. Take me off your list. signed, BIG MAMA.
DEAR BIG MAMA: C'mon, mom. We go through this every year. Just relax with one of those pills the doctor gave you. I'll give you ten bucks again if you come over and clean up the empty bottles while I'm gone. ZK
Yeah, it's time to get to the numbers:
4426 OUT, 7 DQ'D, 2266 IN. 1114 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 647 DA BEARS, 218 CARDINALS, 132 COLTS, 118 COWBOYS, 17 SAINTS, 8 LIONS (oh my), 5 TEXANS, 2 JAGGYWIRES, 2 TITANS (remember?), and three lone wolf selections, 1 DOLPHIN, 1 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 1 RAM. THAT'S RIGHT! A RAM WAS TAKEN!
PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS comes down to the three lone stalwarts trying to take it all down here. RED SR. is on the 3 1/2 road dog Dolphins, LAKE WORTH BAMBINO is on the opposite side of that one with the home Jets, and CREEKER taking the 3 point road dog Rams. You the man, CREEKER.
Have you been hanging out with Levi lately?
That's it for this week. No more dithering. The Irish take on the always dangerous Washington State Huskies in the shadow of the Alamo. Drive carefully, watch out for little ghouls and goblins this weekend. Peace. Out.