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LMS XVI: Week Seven - The Animals Continue to Seek Pie in the Sky

Posted: 2009-10-23

R.I.P. Soupy ... It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... It is well known to the perceptive animals that October rules the calendar months in the world of sports. Unless you fancy buzkashi or yak racing, baseball, football, and basketball are in triumphant status at this golden time. (Ok, even if basketball is just a throw-in here

... easily replaced by hockey, it still beats the need to find a headless goat or that nasty problem of clearing the track for the next yak heat. Besides, what other sport could line up the potential of Barack Obama going one-on-one with Barbara Mikulski to nail down a few health care votes?) But the Golden Days of October sports have been shaken by rattling in the cages this year. With WEEK SEVEN approaching, THE ZOOKEEPER, ever mindful of the animals' need to satisfy their gambling jones, was forced to deal with near riot like conditions not seen since Randall P. McMurphy had the boys in the Cuckoo's Nest whooping it up over Bobby Richardson taking Koufax deep. The problem, of course, was bad umpiring and bad officiating.

Security officers were stationed outside the VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER to keep Joe Mauer, Larry Brown, Bobby Petrino, and over four thousand ousted animals under check as THE ZOOKEEPER met in conference with several representative officials to defuse the rising tension in the cages over recent outrageously blown calls. THE ZOOKEEPER has long been known to be an ardent supporter of the arbiters of the games, especially the men in blue. In baseball, as in the cages, it is failure that dominates. Like the perennial second place finishing animals, the blind bums of baseball trot out their imperfect selves with un-ending faith that this day will be the one where they will surely get all the calls right. In the end, their knowingly imperfect efforts fall short of their perfect expectations. Still they try. Such animal-like aspiration to greatness through sheer hope and faith that dame fortune will smile upon them is to be admired. While details of the conference discussions were kept strictly confidential, it is known that at one point Steve Phillips twittered something from his face book page about a review of Elizabeth Hasselbeck photos. At the end of the conference, THE ZOOKEEPER issued this statement to the waiting press: GET OVER IT, ANIMALS. MOVE ON. GET INTO YOUR CAGES ON TIME AND JUST WIN, BABY, WIN.

Tim McClelland was seen leaving by the back door path in a woozy manner holding on to a half empty jug of Muscatel and a brick of cheese. Steve Phillips was unavailable for comment.

And so we beat on, cages against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the quest for football genius. The Eggles laid their egg against Jamarcus Russell and the Bills unveiled the brilliant rising superstar Ryan Fitzpatrick to take down the Jets. Some calls are just hard to ever imagine. We imagine that you animals remaining in your cages are hungry for this week's numbers. Here they are:

4335 OUT, 7 DQ'D, 2350 IN. 1129 COLTS, 849 PATRIOTS, 157 PACKERS, 49 PANTHERS, 40 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 35 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 31 EGGLES, 28 SAINTS, 24 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 7 TEXANS, and one lone wolf going for it all, COWBOYS.

PICK OF THE WEEK honors definitely goes to DAPPER DAN taking the 4 point home favorite Cowboys over the Falcons. A win here coupled with ten upsets would sure beat a punch in the eye by Tom Cable.

That's it for this week. ZK will be travelling next week, so PLEASE get your picks in on time without causing problems. Get your H1N1 shots. Irish look to avoid the let down against the BC Eagles. In addition to the afore referenced Milton Supman, R.I.P. to Cullen Bryant and Vic Mizzy (they're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky. They're all together ooky .....) Peace. Out.