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LMS XVI: Week Three - The Darkness Awaits

Posted: 2009-09-25

The Autumnal Equinox arrived on celestial schedule this week, balancing light and shadow equally throughout the cages. As the sunshine now lessens in the days ahead, time brings a foreboding sense of winter, stealing into our lives like jewel thieves knocking down the Bling from Donte Whitner's crib. September is the cruelest month ...

...This is the season where many in their cages will be sadly affected by the lack of sunshine through what has been diagnosed as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Still others are now sadly affected because the damn Steelers couldn't beat the Bears after ten days rest. Bastards.

Yes, THE ZOOKEEPER and 2,916 of his closest animal companions are TWO AND THROUGH and now OUT of THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL, filled with town hall rage, ripped from their cages in waning moments through offensive line movement, dragged screaming and kicking like Flozell Adams, yanked from the promise of greatness that could have been like health care salvation gang tackled in the halls of congress, while 3,775 of you football geniuses, you smug little animals who really don't know JACK SCHITT about football, get to move on. And on top of this, once again, THE ZOOKEEPER did not receive a John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant this year. No, but they gave the $500K to some guy who sticks together stuff he finds in the streets and some nutty professor from USC. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. Ask Plaxico.

And let's get this nonsense out of the way early: stop your shenanigans right now and quit sending your whining pleas asking THE ZOOKEEPER if he will be running a "second chance" pool. Pack up your camels, your sheep, your tent, and get out of Bedford. You've got no camping rights here. You may pick up your second place participation trophy, a set of steak knives, and a heart shaped potato as you exit. The animals still in their cages need their numbers:

2,917 OUT. 1,531 RAVENS, 644 COWBOYS, 473 EGGLES, 371 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 330 PACKERS FROM THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD, 92 VIKINGS, 61 NATIVE AMERICANS, 50 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 49 TEXANS, 47 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS (bastards), 29 PATRIOTS, 23 DA BEARS, 12 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 10 BRONCOS, 4 RAYDAHS, 3 TITANS, 2 FALCONS, 2 RAMS (welcome to the pool, Rams), and four lone wolf selections - DOLPHINS, 49ERS, LIONS (yes, for real this time), BENGALS.

STUPID SPONSOR OF THE WEEK: PANZA MAN. Check this out: PANZA MAN gets a pick from one of his animals, K-MAC, who wants the Bengals. PANZA MAN, who is half as smart as a stopped clock twice a day, sends his group picks into THE ZOOKEEPER with a note that says that "he" decided to change K-MAC's pick to the Packers, because it was "obviously a mistake", and what K-MAC "must" have wanted was the opposite. K-MAC goes out with friends on Saturday night and never calls back to say that she really did want the Bengals, not the Packers. Too bad, K-MAC. You shouldn't drink so much. And you should definitely consider what other advise you take from PANZA MAN.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS is up for grab amongst the 4 lone wolf selections, although BUNKY 1 and HAMMER FIST deserve mention for jumping on the Rams this week. That's the best you could find? WIZARD is on the Bengals, a 4pt. home dog, DOUBLE TROUBLE 17 is on the Dolphins, a 6 pt. road dog, TYMPICA likes the 6 1/2 pt. road dog 49ers, and HURRICANE DITKA is going for Lions to get off the snide against the Redskins. Gotta go with HURRICANE. Nice name. Let's see if you have the onions to stay with your pick unlike that puny coward CRASH.

That's all for this week. "Most" of the animals did a good of getting into their cages without prodding. You others will be be subject to extreme interrogation methods. CHECK YOUR PICKS AND NOTIFY BEFORE GAME TIME IF THEY ARE NOT CORRECT. Don't be a K-MAC. ND has the always tough Boilermakers on the banks of the Wabash. R.I.P. Norman Borlaug. Peace. Out.

ZK