CyberZahm

It was Helen Keller who noted that "optimism is the faith that leads to achievement." Emerson opined that "we aim above the mark to hit the mark." Some Chinese guy said "the longest journey to get yourself some tasty chicken feet begins with a single step." But it was THE ZOOKEEPER who was quoted this week ...

...as saying, "Get your damn picks in on time or I'll have Serena shove a tennis ball where you don't want it, no matter how much of a damn football genius you are."

Yes, it was an optimistic start to LMS XVI. WEEK ONE results showed the best and most unexpected animal performances since Susan Boyle busted out of her cage and into our hearts. Even Kanye West was impressed with your showing (BEYONCE is OUT). Minor casualties that were incurred covered only a couple of Cardinals, some beleaguered Bengals, a few turned out Texans, ephemeral ELLIE and her Chiefs (along with the rest of the POW losers - how'd that Bills thing work out, GRIGGSY?), and maybe ten Salvadorans, pimped out of their ACORN-fed hacienda quicker than a coyote snatch in Calabasas.

Civility was the buzz word heading into WEEK TWO, as THE ZOOKEEPER was very impressed that "MOST" of the animals got into their cages without delay. There were "SOME", however, who still need to learn the meaning of respect. Do not try THE ZOOKEEPER, animals. Get into your cages on time as directed or you risk having his friend, THE HAMMER, tap dance on your body with his stress fractured paws. We had a "FEW" animals who woke up Thursday morning to find that picks can, and do indeed, go on without them. Don't let it happen to you.

And so as the shofars sound forth, THE VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER prepares for yet another surely easy week. Muscatel stocks remain high as little fuel was needed in such light cage cleaning work as was done in WEEK ONE. No need for needle packing cops to stake out the roads to the river in pursuit of the ZOOKEEPER this week. 6692 was the final count. These animals are good. See what they've got lined up this week. The numbers:

6407 IN. 285 OUT. 1929 NATIVE AMERICANS, 1616 PACKERS FROM THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD, 1389 VIKINGS, 898 TITANS, 190 FALCONS, 149 BILLS, 54 STEELERS, 50 COLTS, 31 BRONCOS, 18 SEAHAWKS, 18 PATRIOTS, 11 JAGGYWIRES, 10 SAINTS, 9 CHEFS, 9 RAYDAHS, 4 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 4 RAVENS, 3 CHARGERS, 3 EGGLES, 3 49ERS, 2 CARDINALS, 2 COWBOYS, 1 DA BEARS, 1 BROWNS, 1 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 1 BUCCANEER, and (I don't make this stuff up) 1 DETROIT FOOTBALL LION.

PICK OF THE WEEK honors is a clear win for CRASH taking the 10 point dog Lions over the Vikings. Nice pick, CRASH. Are you the guy who did donuts on Leotis McKelvin's lawn? Honorable mention goes to equally bizarre selections by MLM1020 with the Bears (love you guys with such creative monikers), MARYKAY22 with the Browns (better get those cosmetic sales up if you want that pink Cadillac), MUDMUD with the Bucs (maybe YOU'RE THE GUY who trashed McKelvin's place), and DOUBLETROUBLE06 with the Jets (it was that phone call from Rex, wasn't it?).

That's it for this week. Michigan's refereeing crew should be sent to the Big House for the heist they pulled off last week. Irish look to rebound against always tough Spartans as CW sweats even more. RIP Mary Travers (little Jackie Paper bids farewell), Myles Brand (the man who tamed Bobby Knight), Patrick Swayze (Road House is a definite top 10), and Henry Gibson (my favorite Nazi). Go in peace.