CyberZahm

The Virtual Dorm

I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing: 1.Keep your head down - 2. Follow through - 3. Be born with money
-- P.J. O'Rourke

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LMS XVI: It Begins - Life is but a dream ....

Posted: 2009-08-24

Animals, It is time. The signs are as unmistakable as a health care reform plan that will make you never want to get sick again: Weeks of unconfirmed reports of mysterious glass smashing sounds and other ominous late night noises (sounding eerily like a phonograph playing Bob Dylan tunes with a British accent) coming from THE VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER, rumors of ...

...multiple Muscatel trucks seen rumbling through the area at unusual hours, the highways littered with cardboard cheese boxes marked "Government Controlled Portion", Brett Favre's annual un-retiring news conference, and the thousands of desperate animal emails that have been pouring into the Commodore 64's packet connections clamoring for salvation from life's monotonous obligations and necessary commitments - yes, they all point to one unalterable and inevitable moment in time that has arrived - THE ZOOKEEPER has returned.

Back from his annual sabbatical in Muscatel induced hibernation at his Secret Fortress of Solitude, the man looks tanned, rested, and ready to once again host your every football need in this, THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. This is the place where you fix your football jones. LMS XVI is ready if you are.

Those of you who have been here and done this before know the drill. Teach the young ones that they too may learn the secrets to survival here. Help them to avoid the wrath of the ZK by getting their selections in on time without any back sassin' to their Sponsors. Rules are attached for those too timid to make this journey without some sense of reasoned control remaining in nearby view. This journey is not for all, but for those who dare to embark from these civilized banks to head deep up river to the source of the darkness, the destination we all pursue, FOOTBALL GENIUS, lies waiting in promise.

And yet you must be warned animals, for, so too, you must know in advance, lies the proposition of the mediocrity of a "tied for second place" finish, or (perhaps in a kindness to the weakest of us all), the ignominy of the cruelest defeat - the tragic "One and Done". THE HORROR. THE HORROR.

So this is what you need to do:

SPONSORS : Don't panic. Organize an excel spread sheet in alphabetical order of your animals and KEEP THAT SAME LISTING EACH WEEK. If an animal's cage gets cleaned out, simply mark "OUT" for that cage's pick each week. Otherwise, list the team selected by their team nickname (Do not use city names like "New York" - do you see how that might be confusing?). Just send me that completed listing the first week of the season by Wednesday, September 9. Subsequent weekly picks will also be due each Wednesday. You don't need to wait until midnight Wednesday to send (can you see how it might be confusing if everybody waited until 11:59 PM each Wednesday?). Animal feed is due "UP FRONT" with the first week's picks.

ANIMALS : Don't panic. Get your picks to your Sponsors each week as they command you to do so. SOME MAY HAVE YOU PICK SOONER THAN WEDNESDAY NIGHT (can you see how it might be confusing if everybody waited until 11:59 PM on Wednesday). They have to deal with a lot of crap and they don't need yours. Trust me: for your entire life you have never known more on Wednesday than you did on Tuesday. Remember: you may only choose a team once (although we are all waiting to laugh at you when you make a double pick). Use the team's nickname (you know about avoiding confusion, right?). It's that simple. Don't screw it up.

THE ZOOKEEPER will be busy now. Stacking, racking, cleaning, reviewing ND opponents' films .... so much to be done. Go in peace and get your work done. There won't be much time for anything else very soon now....