CyberZahm

Once again, the number one pick, 138 Dolphins, escaped the tuna nets with a 38 yard field goal with 38 seconds remaining after a fourth and five completion by Chad Marino, leaving the Raider Nation to wonder if they wouldn't be better off practicing their piracy at sea this season...

The LMS weeks continue to pass by like so many floating tool bags in space, and still these animals are clinging to THE ZOOKEEPER'S cages like a tin cup tied to an auto executive's hand. For the majority of second place animals, this pool is starting to feel like a bridge to nowhere, or a breaking news story about Hillary being named Secretary of State that just won't quit. Sure, the Muscatel is good each week, but this thing of ours has to come to an end sometime. Somebody has to step up and make a play here. These football geniuses are getting on everybody's nerves with their cocky posturing like newly bitten vampires. In order to put consumer confidence back in the cages, THE ZOOKEEPER, while chewing some khat and washing it down with the grape, was forced to address what had become a controversial topic for the animals this week, as evidenced in the following correspondence:

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I am 8 years old and my daddy picked the Eagles for us last week. Some of my little friends say that last week's Eagles picks are IN because the game ended in a tie and they didn't lose. My daddy says that it is impossible for an NFL game to end in a tie, but if I read it in the WEEKLY REPORT it must be true. Please tell me the truth; is there a tie in the NFL and are we IN? signed, VIRGINIA MCNABB.

DEAR VIRGINIA: Your little friends are wrong. How dreary would the cages be if they were not cleaned as quickly and as often as possible? Rule # 5 clearly states: IF YOUR PICK FOR THE WEEK WINS, YOU ADVANCE TO THE FOLLOWING WEEK AND MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION. IF YOUR PICK LOSES OR TIES, YOU ARE ELIMINATED FROM THE POOL. YOU MUST WIN TO ADVANCE. Your daddy is wrong. In fact, he's a big dope who's ignorance is hard for us normal people to understand. Had he not been so stupid, perhaps the Eagles would have won in OT and you'd still be looking at a nice Christmas present possibility. As it stands now, your Christmas may be spent in a soup kitchen and homeless shelter like the rest of us second place animals. Have you tried Muscatel and government cheese yet? ZK.

THE ZOOKEEPER then declined to comment on the finish of the Chargers/Steelers game, and the money he reportedly had on the Steelers, opting instead to just get straight to this week's numbers:

6252 OUT, 1 DQ'D, 376 IN. 160 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 144 BRONCOS, 34 COWBOYS (uh oh), 15 BUCS, 11 DA BEARS, 4 BROWNS, 3 NATIVE AMERICANS, 2 PATRIOTS, and 3 LONE WOLF SELECTIONS: 1 TITAN, 1 JAGGYWIRE, 1 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANT.

PICK OF THE WEEK honors is tossed out to 17 BOHICA, not fearing the trip west for the 3 point road favorite Jints in Arizona, DOBBS SALAD (gotta love that name) going with slight favorite Jags at home against the Vikes, and HASEKS HUNCH believing the Titan magic to continue at home over the soaring J-E-T-S. All three have solid chances to take it all down this week. Decision goes to .... DOBBS SALAD. Gutsy pick.

REMEMBER: NEXT WEEK IS THANKSGIVING WEEK. PLEASE GET YOUR PICKS IN AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE. LATE PICKS WILL MAKE THE ZOOKEEPER REAL ORNERY. BE KIND.

That's all for this week. November's air has brought chill to the cages and dreams of rare December air has the animals in a still excited state. Irish have the exciting play calling of Charlie Weis, football genius, to look forward to against the tough Syracuse Orange this week. No doubt a major bowl rides on the outcome. Here's hoping Jim Brown decides not to suit up. Farewell to Moose Mussina. Peace. Out.