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LMS XV WEEK SEVEN - 6088 OUT, 1 DQ, 540 IN

Posted: 2008-10-18

----- J. HENDRIX

Yes, the cages were angry this week, my friends. It was an anger that spilled its wreckage onto Main Street in the continued despair of the Dow, not like an old man trying to send back soup in a crowded deli ...

... nor like the one who has yet to win a McDonald's Monopoly Game prize, but who keeps scratching and peeling all the same, as his 401K has reduced him to this desperate level of search for corporate capital gains. This fiery animal storm was more like an adiabatic wind descending in triumph over the Chinook, releasing its latent heat on the leeward side of the mountain in apocalyptic fire and brimstone threatening all around (are you still with me, animals?). Only six weeks in to the season that began with so much hope for all of the animals, and we have quickly come to the flash point that ignites above the ninety percentile football genius factor. We are approaching rare air and we haven't even seen the end of October.

Ahead of us are the days of dust, despair, and bone dead animals removed from their cleaned out cages. Tempest points flare suddenly now with the rage of Icelanders making a run on the Reykjavik branch of the Bailey Savings and Loan. It was THE ZOOKEEPER'S favorite author, Raymond Chandler, who once wrote of these "hot dry winds that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like this, every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen." Washing down Chandler with a little Muscatel is always good for the soul.

Less than 600 remaining animals still clinging to the hope of the cages know the nights like this when anything can happen. They waken in fear and dread of meeting the fate of those would-be survivors who chose so poorly when they chose the wrong tribe in WEEK SIX (Hail? More like HELL to those Redskins. Bastards). This is a time for would-be football genius animals to summon strength from places in their souls they have yet to discover. ORDINARY JOES are called upon to perform extraordinary tasks. JOE SIXPACK, and JOE THE PLUMBER, and JOE THE BARTENDER, and JOE COOL, and AVERAGE JOE, and GOOD MORNING JOE, and JOE MOMMA, they all move forward in fear and trepidation, knowing that the slightest step out of the end zone boundaries may alter their lives forever. It is a time for rare football genius to rise above those who don't know JACK SCHITT about football, to claim their rightful place in the annals of the WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. As JOE BIDEN once noted, "there are three kind of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't."

Meanwhile, back in the great Northwest Territory of New Hampshire, the chlorophyll was stripping away faster than Madonna in A-Rod's hotel room. (Hey, hang out with the O'Neals if you want family entertainment) The colors of fall are emerging, rolling around in their seasonal turn as timeless as the certainty of the NBA Pre-season, or one of the Wallendas returning to walk the line. Just as certain in the LMS is the first STUPID ANIMAL ACT of the season, the ubiquitous DQ. Animal 2529 may wish his name would be followed by OUT for the remainder of the season, but his New York Football Giant selection of WEEK SIX wasn't just a losing pick, it was identical to his WEEK TWO selection. 2529 was probably given a number instead of a name to protect his parents from the embarrassment of it all. Nebraska may have a safe haven law,2529, but there is none in the LMS. 2-6 just wasn't very good numerology for you.

But enough of these numbers. Here are the numbers that America really wants to hear - THE ZOOKEEPER'S TAX PLAN:

6088 OUT (second place), 1 DQ (DNF), 540 IN. 189 BUCS, 131 TEXANS, 66 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 56 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 45 TITANS, 33 NATIVE AMERICANS, 6 COWBOYS (yes, Rocky, they are bastards), 6 J-E-T-S BRETTS BRETTS BRETTS, 4 COLTS, 3 BEARS, 1 BILL.

PICK OF THE WEEK goes to the lone Bill, MIZUNO, taking the home 1 point dog against the Chargers. Not a bad solo pick with so much volatility in the air. Good luck MIZUNO.

Savvy animals will note that this week's attached picks are without the OUT selections. This will help GOCAPS get through his day and make checking selections all that much easier for the remaining animals. Sponsors SHOULD NOT drop the OUT animals from their lists when they send in weekly. Additionally, if you have only one or two animals remaining you can just put their name/picks in text and don't need to send the entire list.

That's it, caged ones. The Irish get a well deserved rest this weekend. Good luck to all. No need to panic. Just win, baby, win. Peace. Out.