CyberZahm

Scientists in Alaska this week have reported concern over the fact that most of the glaciers stretching from Yakutat Bay to the Stikine Ice Fields ...

...... are thinning at twice the rate previously estimated. This has been confirmed according to several respected glaciologists (and you know how hard it is to find a respected glaciologist these days). In fact, 95% of Alaska's glaciers are reported to be thinning (where will Todd race now?). Moreover, these same scientist predict that the Southeast Alaska ice fields will disappear completely one day. And to think that you animals were worried because less than 82% of your fellow animals were left in their cages after only five weeks. There is no debating that these animals are cool, very cool. They are the Cramers of the LMS. They are, after all, football geniuses.

The Cascading Crisis in the Cages continued as the spreading shock wave of cage cleaning clashes sent the Dow diving below 9,000 (do I hear 8,000?) and the cages themselves below the 1200 level. No wonder Holly dumped Heff. Don't believe any of that talk about Phony Mae and Freddie Fraud and cascading cross defaults of CDS derivatives causing the fear and panic on Wall Street that has spread to Main Street. It is the fear of the dwindling cages that is driving these would-be geniuses into panic and fear now. You don't need a weatherman to know which way this wind blows; there is only one strategy that all good animals know is needed in these turbulent times. The wheels are tightened down on this straight talk express: Just Win, Baby, Win.

Speculation and rumor was rampant as to the actual whereabouts of THE ZOOKEEPER last week. With a good deal of certainty, it can be reported that he was not reading in a Bible marathon in the Vatican, he was not seen at the Santa Ifigenia Cat Festival in Peru, he was not repossessing Richard Fuld's Mazzeratti, he was not seen sleeping on a bench in Rock Creek National Park, and he most certainly was not seen sipping Muscatel while having his piggies massaged at the St. Regis in Monarch Beach. There was no official response from the VAN when questions arose over the possibility of THE ZOOKEEPER's role in negotiating some cargo off-load from the MV FAINA through a broker in the Sudan. Repeated main street media filtered questionings to VAN staff members were rebuffed, and then cut off abruptly, by a mysterious bearded man in a bowler hat who spoke with a British accent.

But he is back this week, as evidenced by the late night sounds and mysterious comings and goings of lines of black limousines at the VAN. He has issued a statement that he wants all the animals to remain calm in the midst of the chaos abounding in the cages. There will always be the weekly numbers. "That one" you can count on:

5466 OUT, 1163 IN. 598 NATIVE AMERICANS, 340 VIKINGS, 128 SAINTS, 33 J-E-T-S BRETTS BRETTS BRETTS, 17 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 15 COLTS (bastards), 10 EGGLES, 6 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 5 TEXANS, 4 COWBOYS, 3 DA BEARS, 2 BRONCOS, 1 LION and 1 PANTHER.

PICK OF THE WEEK goes to TJO 3 with a gutsy road pick of Carolina over Tampa. Nice job, TJ. We won't even give any credit to the dope with the 13 point road dog Lions picks. Some things are just wrong.

That's all for this week. Hug your portfolio. LMS is here to help you pick up your shattered dreams. Follow the ZOOKEEPER's advice: relax and have a little grape. ND takes on the Tar Heels, a watershed game. Peace. Out.