CyberZahm

LMS XV WEEK FIVE - 5368 OUT, 1261 IN

PIGGIES - GEORGE HARRISON

THE ZOOKEEPER is missing from the VAN this week. Rumor has it that he has parachuted...

...into Washington to straighten out the financial mess that has confused and worried so many of the cageless animals who trusted in the genius of the smartest people in the room, only to find out that they really didn't know JACK SCHITT about football (or any other risky choices, either). Other reports claim that he is just in town to party with George W (who is understandably drinking again), and to share some of the grape with him as much needed therapy. THE ZOOKEEPER does have a fondness for the pathetic ones. Still others insist that he is in our nation's capital just to bitch slap some piggy politicians who are so desperately in need of a good beating.

In his absence, his VAN staff has put together this compilation of recent LETTERS TO THE ZOOKEEPER that may give you some insight into just how much he suffers for you animals. Yes, they are real letters received from real animals. Some of the names have been changed to protect their offspring. Read on:

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: Four weeks have gone by and the cages have been reduced by almost 81%. An incredible 4 out of 5 animals are OUT. I think that you should start up a secondary pool for those of us who were the victims of early games where it is too hard for anyone to know who to take. There are 3 months still to go in the season and I think you should do this. signed, CUPCAKE.
DEAR CUPCAKE: Why don't you get a life. Aren't you the same joker who told me that this pool was "too easy" and that everyone should be forced to pick not one, but two winners for the first three weeks in order to "cut down the field"? Well, your field of ten entrants has been cut to none. Your cages have been cleaned. We hope you had fun. See you in September of '09. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: This week I would like to take the Phillies. Thank you, MOMOFTHREE
DEAR MOM: An excellent selection. I was afraid that you would go with the Cougars, or, perhaps worse, the Mets. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I'm very worried about the state of our economy. In fact, I'm planning on winning this LMS pool in order to retire next year. Can you guarantee me that the LMS money will be there for me? signed, WALTER.
DEAR UNCLE WALTER: You don't have to worry about the LMS funds. We invest them with the Duke Brothers, and Mortimer and Randolph have never let us down. I would have to question, however, your strategy to have Winthorpe make your picks each. Good luck in your golden years. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I have a question for you. Each week I see that my friend Paul is listed as OUT. Shouldn't he be disqualified for taking the same pick more than once? signed, GOCAPS
DEAR GOCAPS: Have you considered a career in the financial industry or politics? We could use a man of your ilk in Washington. Your observation is one that we take seriously. I will look into the situation and advise back to you shortly. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I was reading last week that the MacArthur Foundation genius grants were handed out, and I was surprised that your name was not listed. Do these people not recognize your greatness? signed, BROWNNOSER
DEAR BROWNIE: Sadly, the ZOOKEEPER labors beneath (or above) the vision of mainstream America. Some say this is a tragedy, others (including his lawyers) advise a more prudent approach. It is important to note, however, that the MacArthur Foundation did list STANK ASS JOEY WAX as an honorable mention for this year's awards. Perhaps next year. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: My SPONSOR asked me last week who I wanted to take for WEEK FOUR by Wednesday night, and I told him that I wasn't going to answer through the filter of his main stream media questioning. He gave me the Broncos, and he now he tells me that I am OUT. I shouldn't have to answer such a "gotcha' questions like that, should I? signed, BARRACUDA.
DEAR BARRACUDA: Uh, you are OUT. You are WAY OUT. I'll betcha you'll answer him on Wednesday next time. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: I am curious. I just found out that a cousin of mine is in this same pool and he lives in Arizona (I live in New Jersey), and I have a friend who plays from Pennsylvania. How many branch VANS do you have? signed, NOSEY
DEAR NOSEY: There is only one VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER. As for the number of areas that the VAN covers, that information is officially classified so as not to give Al-Qaida any fund raising ideas other than bilking the US Government into Pakistan regional FATA assistance plans. It's very complicated. You wouldn't understand. SPONSORS, however, are encouraged to share the number and names of states where their animals practice football genius strategies, with reports back to the VAN. From last year's numbers, it is clear that all, or nearly all, 50 states (and Puerto Rico and Scranton) are covered (confirmation is still needed on the reporting location of TRITT FROM WASILLA). It is a matter of open record that the following nations have claimed LMS animal membership: US, Canada, Mexico, England, Germany, Iraq, Afghanistan, United Arab Emirates, Kuwait, Australia, New Zealand, Nigeria, and Micronesia (does anybody know where Micronesia is?). Other reports from SPONSORS will be acknowledged as received. ZK

DEAR ZOOKEEPER: Why don't you just shut up and give us the numbers? signed, MRS.. ZOOKEEPER
DEAR DEAREST: Yes. Indeed. Here they are:

1261 IN. 5368 OUT. 710 COWBOYS, 339 PANTHERS, 37 PACKERS (from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field), 37 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 36 COLTS (bastards), 31 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 27 DA BEARS, 12 BRONCOS, 7 PATRIOT CHEATERS, 6 SAINTS, 6 EGGLES, 3 RAVENS, 3 BILLS, 3 JAGGYWIRES, 2 TITANS, 1 NATIVE AMERICAN, 1 CHEF.

PICK OF THE WEEK comes down to MAC WAVE on the 6 point road dog Native Americans in Philadelphia, and MAC MAN on the 10 point road dog Chefs in Carolina. Looks like a couple of MAC groupies are waving the white flag of surrender? Good luck animals.

That's all for this week. The Irish take on the crafty Cardinal in South Bend on Saturday. Just win, baby, win. Peace. Out.

ZK