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LMS XV WEEK TWO - 2213 OUT, 4416 IN

Posted: 2008-09-16

DON'T FEEL SAD. TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD.
- MEATLOAF

Albert Einstein, (most of you animals have heard of him), and other early 20th century physicists, once believed that the cosmos was static. Observations by Edward Hubble and others later argued that galaxies were in fact moving away from each other. Certainly today's astronomers agree that not only is the universe expanding ...

... but it is doing so at an increasing rate. In fact, supernovae (exploding stars) are occurring at such an increasing rate that it is fairly argued that what Einstein referred to as the cosmological constant, now referred to as an invisible dark energy, will eventually contribute to the collapse of the universe within ten or twenty billion years (give or take a few billion). I know you football geniuses like to ponder the imponderable, so the question is this: should you still really care that you're OUT in WEEK ONE?

6,629 animals went into their cages on a bright Sunday afternoon, only two thirds of them now remain ensconced in the same. Yes, there was the sound of great wailing and weeping, with much crashing glass and loud cursing (no, it was not the language of Pentecostal tongues), coming from inside the VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER on Sunday night. THE ZOOKEEPER had the Colts in WEEK ONE. Yes, animals, he feels your pain. Luckily, Vince Young stopped by the VAN to help talk him down, and with the help of a little Muscatel, and the soothing sounds of Sebastian Cabot, a major crisis was averted.

And so ZK shook off the opening week disappointment like a man with the full awareness of that imminent exploding universe kept in its proper perspective. There is no crying in the LMS. There was a job to be done. The cages had to be cleaned, and cleaned they were. The Charger cages (two years in a row with an opening loss at home!) were especially foul after that catch in the end zone with :00 on the clock. 4,415 football geniuses (like the uber genius Killer Kain, who was the lone Panther Pick against 1,136 Chargers), now proceed to WEEK TWO, while one third of the pool, 2,213 animals who obviously don't know JACK SCHITT about football, have to settle into a tie for second place in this, THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL.

And before you ousted animals start your silly emails asking for a "second chance" or "double elimination" pool, the answer is: NO. Enough is enough. We are not the football pool of change. There will be no government sponsored bail out here. Go down to your local Y and take a pottery class, mail away for that ant farm you've always wanted, watch Northern Exposure reruns to get a feel for Sarah Palin's domestic policy perspectives or search for her missing emails with the cc's to the First Dude, write hate mail to Mike Francesca thanking him for that lousy advice, go bowling with Gary Coleman, .... do whatever you want, but please don't bother THE ZOOKEEPER with your pathetic whining about needing to get back into the action. Take the kids to the park this weekend. You won't have much else to do on Sundays now anyway.

MOST of the animals were pretty good this week and got into their cages like the well behaved beasts we know they can be. But SOME of the animals still need to have somebody to go Medieval on them, thumping and kicking their sorry arses. Be warned, animals, the wrath of the ZOOKEEPER will rain down upon you and your lame excuses like IKE on Texas, and your pleading will fall like a Canadian government . GET YOUR PICKS IN ON TIME. You have been warned for the last time. SPONSORS: send me your recalcitrant animals next week. There will be blood.

And now, what you need, THE NUMBERS:

2213 OUT, 1636 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 692 CARDINALS, 641 SEAHAWKS, 487 BUCS, 247 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 147 PACKERS (from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field), 126 CHEFS, 100 JAGGYWIRES, 57 COWBOYS, 56 SAINTS, 43 TEXANS, 42 COLTS (bastards), 23 PANTHERS, 19 BENGALS, 17 TITANS, 14 BILLS, 14 RAVENS, 13 DA BEARS, 13 J-E-T-S BRETTS BRETTS BRETTS, 11 BRONCOS, 5 NATIVE AMERICANS, 3 FALCONS, 2 LIONS, 2 49ERS, 2 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 1 VIKING.

Pick of the Week: Honors this week go to STANK ASS JOEY WAX. Yes, DAWG POUND DUMMY gets proper respect for his lone Viking pick (a 2 point home dog), and JNINER and RED SR deserve to make the weekly report by virtue of their 7 point road dog pick of the 49ERS, but SAJW goes for his 36th consecutive win this weekend to tie CAPTAIN AMERICA for the all time LMS record. SAJW is on the Bucs. He's a real football genius. I'll bet he even knows how to fix a super collider.

That's all for this week. Check your picks! (that means you, STOCK BOY). ND takes on Michigan Saturday - let's see if they can't put some lipstick on those pigs. Peace.

ZK