The Virtual Dorm
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
-- Steven Wright
LMS 2008 Begins - 0 OUT. 6604 IN (maybe)Posted: 2008-09-05
Welcome Animals. Welcome to all of you slippery little bastards.
While Gustav may have threatened as a Category 5 hurricane before dwindling to a 1 or a 2 by landfall, LMS XV showed no such capitulation as the animals stormed the cages in record numbers, challenging THE ZOOKEEPER'S usual good nature and cheery disposition with their beastly ways, and their penchant for more stupidity than a Bob Webb scoring decision. They came by the thousands ...
Such madness will be the norm for the next 17 weeks. Or until a few thousand cages get sorted out for lack of football genius (yeah, one animal picked "the COUGERS", that's right, "the COUGERS - I don't make this stuff up. Eventually, upon questioning, he agreed to take "the JAGUARS". Same thing, right?).....Somewhere North of 6600 will be the final cage count, we'll get you the finite details shortly. LMS trained canines are still sniffing through the rusted, spare cages behind the VAN in search of animals buried in the commotion. From the hookah parlors of South Ossetia to the salsa bars of South Beach, the word has been spread. Yes, it is football season once again, and this is THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL (often imitated, never duplicated).
Sooooo, animals, we might as well get a few things straight from the start: PICKS ARE DUE FROM YOUR SPONSORS ON WEDNESDAY NIGHTS. PICKS ARE DUE FROM YOU WHENEVER YOUR SPONSOR SAYS THEY ARE DUE. Sponsors have been advised to send me their selections without your picks if you aren't in to them on time. If so, I will make the picks for you. You might not like them. The fact that you were out buying a baby present for Lun Lun and Yang Yang, or that your mom didn't leave the message on the basement door and you were out at your fantasy football draft, or that you think Tatum Bell stole your luggage and you had to tell the cops, or any such excuse, is not acceptable. GET YOUR PICKS IN ON TIME.
On the subject of names: Please don't panic if you see more than one listing of the name that you have so cleverly selected with all of your creative brilliance. Gee, somebody else also thought that "BUBBA" or "ROCKY" or "T-BONE" was a good name. Relax. You do not need to change your name and disrupt the entire flow of the cages by getting yourself out of the universally accepted natural order of alphabetization, which is the very foundation of order in this, THE WORLDS GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. You will be differentiated by the addition of your sponsor's initials (si) after your name. It works. Trust me.
On the subject of corrections: IT IS YOUR OBLIGATION TO CHECK YOUR PICKS EACH WEEK BEFORE GAME TIME. If your sponsor has made a mistake, let them know. We can fix before the games have started, not after. You live with it. Your sponsor and I will feel bad, but we'll live with that too, and you will be OUT. Usually I try to get corrections out by Sunday morning if I have the time.
On other subjects: just do what you are told and win, baby, win. Have a fun season. And now, what you animals need as feed, the numbers:
0 OUT. 6604 IN (maybe). 1420 PATRIOT CHEATERS, 1238 EGGLES, 1131 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 1009 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 780 COLTS, 183 COWBOYS (bastards), 166 J-E-T-S BRETTS BRETTS BRETTS, 161 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 160 LIONS, 72 NAWLIN SAINTS, 57 BROWNS, 41 BILLS, 39 BENGALS, 32 CARDINALS, 27 JAGGYWIRES, 21 SEAHAWKS, 11 RAVENS, 10 VIKINGS, 6 49ERS, 6 BUCS, 6 MARINE MAMMALS, 4 BROWNS, 4 FALCONS, 4 PACKERS from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, 4 RAYDAHS, 3 TITANS, 3 CHEFS, 3 NATIVE AMERICANS, 2 DA BEARS, 1 PANTHER.
PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS goes in the opening week to that lone Panther pick from KILLER KAIN, a 9 point road dog in San Diego. But how about some of those honorable mentions here: CAVEMAN STEVE and TEMP 331 with the 9 point road dog Bears at Indy, and CHEF 4465, DERRY 44, and UNDERDOGCOPYDOTCOM (yeah, right), with the 16 1/2 point dog Chiefs in New England!! What were you guys thinking? This is not the T. Boone Pickens plan. Do you get the concept here? Hey, maybe they just wanted to get an early exit to go fishing with the First Dude.
The Irish open with SDSU. Charlies' year? Ya gotta believe. RIP Killer Kowalski and Tommy Bolt (always throw your golf clubs ahead of you so you don't waste energy going back to pick them up).
That's it for Week One. We'll straighten out any final tangled cages shortly, but this should be enough to hit the Thursday Night opener (action on both sides tonight!). LMS 2008 is off and running. God bless us all.