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LMS 2007 Final Report

Posted: 2008-01-04

Sixty Fine Animals. Good and stout champions all. - As once noted by Don Dunphey in majestic simplicity: it's over. it's all over. - Clap your hands or paws or anything you got for LMS 2007's SIXTY FINE ANIMALS, football geniuses all, who managed to work their way through seventeen weeks of NFL parity, lousy old quarterbacks, tough breaks, bad calls, worse advice, intervening girl friends, the ever present mush from the office who got oh so involved with his two cents in December, and the occasional lucky bounce of the pigskin, to gain access to the famed Sebastian Cabot BLACK BOWLER AWARD Club, reserved for LMS CHAMPIONS ...

Of the 6,209 cages loaded back in September, only this .0096 of the field was able to go the distance, less than 1 % of the cage population once again.

These remarkable ones truly deserve your respect and admiration for displaying their superior prognostication skills, not to mention the fair sum of 6209 X $50 /2 /60 which is a smidge above $2,587 for each of our lucky contestants. A nice return on their original $50 investment. (not that you all didn't have just as much fun without all of the anguish - there is a price to be paid for that, as many, especially those two Vikings in WEEK SEVENTEEN, can attest. Sorry, boys. This pool is not for the weak, or faint of heart.).

As always, second place finishers are congratulated for their fine showing as well. Your set of steak knives will arrive any day now.

For the record, reviewing the files kept under the front seat of the VAN, THE ZOOKEEPER has locked down 33,690 cages since the beginning of THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL (1994), while only 193 of those animals have earned the right to call themselves true football geniuses. They are truly amazing. A brief history of time by the numbers:
1994 3585.17%

Most amazing this year, and deserving of special recognition as well as your respect and admiration, is STANKASS JOEY WAX, who reigns as only the second consecutive LMS champion, duplicating the back-to-back feat of CAPTAIN AMERICA (the BETTIN TIBETAN is our only other 2 time champ, but his achievement was not in consecutive years). The ill-conceived and rancidly monikered JOEY, now with 34 consecutive victories, will attempt to break the CAPTAIN'S 37 week LMS record when he returns in 08. Good luck, JOEY.

And suddenly it is all over. So it goes. Not with a bang, just a 60 animal whimper. The universe can be such a mysterious place sometimes.

That will conclude this year's ride for all of you degenerate gambling, thrill seeking, animals. The cages will proceed forward for cleaning and conditioning at somewhere near 67,000 mph until September comes into view again. Look for the new moon to show Mercury, Mars, and Venus forming a triangle over the western horizon at sunset. It's about 386 million miles or so down the road. You'll know you're there when Uranus is in opposition. Otherwise, you'll get an email.

We hope that you all have enjoyed your stay in the cages enough to come back and show your stuff again next year. Bring a friend. What the hell. THE ZOOKEEPER will be signing off now. You know where to find him if needed. Address any suggestions for improving this pool to THE ZOOKEEPER, C/O THE VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER. Bring some Muscatel if you plan on stopping.

As the great Sergeant Preston of the Northwest Mounted Police would say to his faithful husky, "King, this case is over."

Peace. Out.