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The Virtual Dorm

The speed with which a woman says "nothing," when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.
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LMS 2007 Week Thirteen

Posted: 2007-12-01

A Certain Smell in the Air - Cage historians know that there have been many others through the years, other than our LMS football genius citizens, who have exemplified the visionary powers of truly gifted prognosticators. There once lived a woman named Ursula Sontheil, who was better known as Mother Shipton....

She was born in a cave in Yorkshire, England, alongside the river Nidd, sometime around the year 1488, and was believed to possess the gift of prophecy. Locals in North Yorkshire pubs reported that there was a great cracking sound followed by the smell of sulfur at her birth (much like the sound and smell that comes from the VAN after Eddie, the VAN's official mechanic, drops off yet another batch of pickled eggs, and he and the ZOOKEEPER settle in for some Muscatel and Monday Night football).

Nostradamus was a French apothecary (that's like a CVS franchise owner) born some 15 years later in the south of France. Mother Shipton and Nostradamus are today both famous for their many prophecies, which they predicted in mysterious rhyming verse. Both Mother Shipton and Nostradamus were big on long range prophecies, like the defeat of the Spanish Armada, the Great London Fire of 1666, World War 1, the Soulja Boy Dance Craze, certainty that Bobby Knight would one day shoot somebody, and that the Eagles would cover a 24 point spread against the Patriots.

Some claim that they even both foretold the eventuality that Cyndi Lauper and Lou Albano would hook up, but, unfortunately, not even these great seers were able to foresee the WEEK TWELVE Cardinal Cage Exodus of 2007 on a missed 32 yard field goal, in OT, at home, against the Niners, or what would become the significance of Tully Banta-Cain to 225 now cageless animals. Welcome to the great tie for second place, Cardinal animals. Your already cageless friends have been gleefully expecting you. Your fate is now set. You will be cursed with carrying the remembrance of this game, and the name "Neil Rackers", and shuddering when you hear it for years to come. Always and forever, you will think the thought of what could have been. This is THE WORLD'S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL, but it can be so cruel at times. It is not for the faint of heart.

Look to the heavens for your inspiration, still caged animals. November's full beaver moon is on the wane. The next full Long Night's Moon remains still distant with as many days to come as there will be presidential candidate debates yet to be heard on your continuing journey. You remaining caged ones are breathing this rare December air, even if in short gasps, as possible lock selections continue to narrow. Gemini's radiant meteor showers will soon be lighting the cold winter skies. Five weeks to go. Choose your method of divining the team of your choice, and then choose wisely. Be it rhyming verse, starry interpretations, flips of a coin, or sheer football genius: just win, baby, win. As the great Yogi Berra once said: "Predicting things is hard. Especially, if it involves the future." Here are this week's numbers:

6030 OUT, 8 DQ'D, 171 IN. 44 BRONCOS, 36 NATIVE AMERICANS, 19 LAMBS, 13 VIKINGS, 12 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 10 VIDEO TAPE CHEATERS (some still have them?), 9 COLTS, 7 TITANS, 5 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 4 BROWNS, 3 EGGLES, 3 PANTHERS, 2 AINTS, and 4 lone wolves going for the long ball, 1 BUC, 1 CARDINHOLE, 1 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANT, and 1 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS.

PICK OF THE WEEK: It always gets interesting when somebody takes a lone pick this time of year. The animals know: it could happen. NO PASS is on the Bucs (a 3 point road dog), HOOPER 94 is on the much despised Cardinholes (a 1/12 point home favorite), BRADY is on the New York Football Giants (a 1 1/2 point road dog), and BUDDA G is going with the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS (a 1 point road dog). These animals sure have chosen some lousy teams to wager their money on. Perhaps it was something they saw in a dream. We'll see. NO PASS gets this week's award.

Question: If the NFL has a game, and nobody can watch it, and nobody has picked it in the LMS, does it still count? No cages? Who cares? You second place animals know what I mean. RIP Bill Hartack. Peace. Out.