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LMS 2007 Week Eight

Posted: 2007-11-01

AS IDLE AS A PAINTED SHIP UPON A PAINTED OCEAN

There was not nearly enough cage cleaning action in WEEK SIX or SEVEN for most of our remaining animals. Even Right Whale killings have been down lately. There remains an eerie scrubless silence in the LMS jungle as the cages hang quietly once again, too quiet by most punitive animal standards. This rate of slaughter just won't satisfy the craving for pain, turmoil, destruction, elimination, and the general agony and misfortune of all the other animals that our football geniuses demand.

Wild monkey attacks, Armenian genocide, and Marie Osmond hitting the floor hard, are what this crowd wants to see, and they want to see it often. The still caged ones are getting fearful that something might be fouling up their master plan for fame, fortune, and the earned admiration and respect they deserve from lesser creatures, creatures of less skill and football genius talent, creatures whom they dominate with their superior knowledge of the game. It is as sad as sad can be for these Masters of the LMS Cages. How will they ever reach their rightful economic independence through the power of their football prognostication skills if everybody else wins too? Surely this pool is too easy when others can imitate their skills and duplicate their efforts. Surely, something must be done to make this pool harder in order to weed out the would be champion imposters. Surely the cages are too crowded heading into WEEK EIGHT and something MUST be done to accelerate their progress to the top of the cage chain.

While the hills of California burned, the lack of cleaned out cages flamed the ZOOKEEPER's mail box this week with Zoophobia (the fear of too many animals remaining in their cages) - another annual phenomenon as predictable as the Santa Ana winds.

Dear ZOOKEEPER: This pool has become too easy because there are too many players. What you need to do is not allow anyone to pick against the same team twice. This way, this pool will be over soon and we can all enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with our families for a change, without having to worry about multiple winners. signed, BURKIE

Dear ZOOKEEPER: This pool has become too easy because there are too many players. What you need to do is not allow anyone to pick a favorite team. Make everyone pick an underdog each week. This way, this pool will be over before Thanksgiving, and we can all enjoy our dinner with our families that day, without worrying about multiple winners. signed, FINDAWAYTOSAYYES

Dear ZOOKEEPER: This pool has become too easy because there are too many players. What you need to do is make the animals pick two games each week. One pick they make needs to be a winner, and one pick that they make needs to be a loser. Isn't this a great idea? This way, we can all enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with our families and not worry about multiple winners. signed, FGENIUS

Dear ZOOKEEPER: This pool has become too easy because there are too many players. What you need to do is make the animals pick alternating conferences each week. One week they pick AFC teams, the next week they pick NFC teams. You could reverse the order if you wanted to do so. This way, we can all enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with our families and not worry about multiple winners. signed, KC

Dear SUGGESTING ANIMALS: It is interesting to note that none of you animals offering these desperately needed suggestions has yet to hoist the LMS Crown with your mighty paws. Relax, animals, you'll get your chance to plan a visit to grandma's for all the holidays. October's Hunter Moon is still hanging high. We haven't even hit November yet. We have 10 weeks to go, and the pressure is just beginning to build. Plenty of time still here for a rough week or two to shake these cages. For the record, here is the history of cage finishing animals who went the distance in previous years, with beginning cage occupancy ranging from 58 to 6209 over the last 13 years: 3,1,1,2,5,1,8,1,3,5,1,96,6. Trust me, I remember that abnormal 96 year better than most. Wrist therapy is ongoing. So get back to me in WEEK SEVENTEEN with your sniveling and whining about this pool being too easy to pick for your talent. But, if you insist, you may proceed with formal suggestion for rule changes through the official channels. You know where to send the official form. Make sure that you get it notarized before sending. signed, ZK.

BOBBY GOULET and the DALI LAMA stopped by the VAN this week to take THE ZOOKEEPER up on his offer of dinner, fine wine, and fine conversation on events of the day. They had just finished their Rice-A-Roni and a couple of gallons of Muscatel when that crazy ROSIE O'DONNELL pulled up and started rocking the VAN, ranting her crap about 9-11 being a government plot of some sort. Luckily, BILL MAHER was passing by and saw the whole thing going down. He stopped and threw the bitch into the river and all was well again, but you don't need to hear these stories. You need the numbers:

1804 IN, 4401 OUT, 4 DQ'D. 824 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 329 TITANS, 241 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 133 COLTS, 102 VIDEO TAPE CHEATERS (hard to believe that many still had them), 53 DA BEARS, 45 BROWNS, 21 BUCS, 19 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 16 AINTS, 7 BRONCOS, 4 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 4 VIKINGS, 2 EGGLES, 2 PACKERS FROM THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD, and two lone wolf selections: 1 49ER, 1 BENGAL.

PICK OF THE WEEK: Tough one to call this week. SIXPACK has the 3 point home dog Niners, and BOOTS has the 3 1/2 point home dog BENGALS. Obviously you both believe in magic. Perhaps you can get David Copperfield to show you his disappearing salami trick. BOOTS by a half step is the winner.

That's it for this week. Be careful out there. Halloween, like November, is just around the corner. Plenty of goblins lurk, and it's getting scary out there. Max McGee RIP. Peace. Out.

ZK