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LMS 2007 Week Seven

Posted: 2007-10-19

THE GENIUS ANIMALS MOVE FORWARD - BOLDLY GOING WHERE THEY HAVE NEVER GONE BEFORE

Time can be measured in many ways. It can be measured in years, months, weeks, days, hours, seconds, or any fractional or extrapolated projection of those standards. It can be measured on the macro level of light years or the sub atomic level of nanoseconds. Ancient mariners used their observations of solar positions to measure time.

Einstein noted that two events that appear to be simultaneous to observer A will not appear simultaneous to observer B if B is moving with respect to A (and if you can understand this, and how it relates to time, you should certainly be able to predict whether or not the Giants or Redskins will win a football game). One thing that we know with a good deal of assurance is that Time moves on with or without our consent.

And so the LMS journey continues. Here, inside the WORLD's GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL, we measure time by "weeks in the cages". It is WEEK SEVEN, and the more astute animals anxiously advance, while the clueless, careless and now cageless ones, clamor for them to fail. It is just the natural way of things for all of the beasts in the LMS Jungle. It has been so ever since Futalognkosaurous dukei roamed the planet's sidelines. It has been so since Vinny Testaverde's passing yardage was limited because no one had yet invented a pig-skin football, and the NFL still used rocks in his rookie season. It has been so since the days when Ann Coulter had not yet reached perfection and Eric Clapton could still remember stuff. Another thing that we know with a great deal of assurance is that animals still caged always feel more and more confident of their football genius, even if they can't quite figure out that Einstein thing yet. And that brings us to WEEK 7's FOOTBALL GENIUS of the WEEK:

TUKE 1893 becomes our latest DQ. Having been so pleased that the Chargers won for him in week one, he just couldn't resist taking them again in week six. Yes, they won again. TUKE has that Einstein thing down pat.

Things were a little slow down at THE VAN in WEEK SIX. No staphylococcal research was needed to investigate the slow clearing of some 260 plus cages, and so THE ZOOKEEPER was busy trying to map out a way to get water from Louisiana to Georgia without drowning everyone in Jackson and Montgomery along the way, and cleaning the electrodes on his taser in case the crazy Turk down the road started up about that Armenian thing again, when JOE TORRE stopped by for a few snorts of Muscatel. They were two or three gallons into the sauce when JOE T confessed that he was joining the vanguard of the Silver Tsunami wave and hanging up the spikes. Love him or hate him, it's always a sad day when a 68 year old man decides not to wear a baseball uniform anymore.

But enough of this rambling. What you want are this week's numbers:

1836 IN, 4369 OUT, 4 DQ'D. 559 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 489 NATIVE AMERICANS, 324 AINT'S, 170 SEAHAWKS, 109 VIDEO TAPE CHEATERS, 62 COWBOYS (bastards), 83 BENGALS, 14 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 10 RAVENS, 7 EGGLES, 3 COLTS, 2 LIONS, 2 RAYDAH'S, and two lone wolf selections, 1 BUC, 1 CHEF.

PICK OF THE WEEK comes down to TONEY with the 2 1/2 road dog Bucs, and CHUNK with the 2 1/2 road dog Chefs. Hmmmm...... maybe the both of you can help Ellen find her dog this Sunday. Good luck.

STUPID LETTER OF THE WEEK:

Dear ZOOKEEPER: Would you please circulate the attached petition to all of the animals in the LMS. It is an effort to right a terrible injustice and have the 1925 Pottsville Maroons officially named the NFL champions of that year. It will help to dignify their legacy as one of the greatest football teams ever assembled. Thank you in advance for your efforts to this most important cause. signed, BREAKER BOY

Dear BOY: Are you Armenian? And are you the guy who dug up the GIPPER? Is it true that he had rolled over? signed, ZOOKEEPER

That's all for this week. Wear your red on Friday. The BIG upset looms Saturday. Inside dopers tell me that Charlie has promised that he will not insist on being carried off the field. Take the Irish on the money line. Peace. Out.

ZK