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Roto Baseball Results 2007: The Dogs of the Tao

Posted: 2007-10-07

Well, here I sit, Roto fans. As I begin, it's early in the AM a little less than a week after the Rox and Pads settled their hash in a one-game "play - in" (which sounds suspiciously like a Bud Selig kinda bastard term---but then, what else can you expect from a bastard Commissioner). Anyway, the 2007 CyberZahm rotoseason ended with it (choke...sob), and I'm fresh outta drugs ...

... with which to assuage my pain except for a buncha stolen generic ibuprofen pills and three sixes of Keystone Light tallboys acquired after a grueling 2 1/2 mile round - trip hike to the local Costco. Not only that, I got three of the five digits on my left paw seriously maimed by the dangerous combo of a tough nut and an intake manifold previously assembled right chere in Kansas City, Kan. by minions of the General (as in Motors). But I'm still typing, thanks to the ibuprofen, a few more KL canisters that are as freshly dead as Scooter and those other Phils (let's leave the Cubbies out of this, for now), and the most excellent sounds of Norah Jones in the background from her newest album, Not Too Late--tunes definitely apropos for a piece that's nearly as overdue as an Irish win. Seems Fatso and I have both been under deadline, but we can manage this time....unlike that sorry excuse for a QB and minor role player in the upcoming Buckaroo Banzai remake, John David Bigboote'.

So it's on to the roto-season wrapup. Where to begin? Well, a title (and a theme) would be nice, for a start. Naturally, the piece hasta la vista the stretch the bleepin' September call - up draft in there somehow....give some props to the teams that made a late run. You get the idea. Hmmmm.....Dog Daze? Close to a fit. Plenty of ore to mine there. The A - Dog. Late August / early September hangovers from the heat of the race. A passing nod to the dog-eat-dog roto-category sub-contests that contributed so much to the overall swings in the standings. But it was just a bit off. August is behind us. So is the waning Dog Star Sirius, and the POTUS election campaign is heating up as the days finally cool. What does that mean? Well, for one thing, there's still plenty of homophones and crappy jokes to drag outta the closet before Larry Craig asks Arlen Specter again for more help with his seat. Toss in the stock market swoon, add a dash of homophonics (no lithps, pleathe). Shake, don't stir, and there you have it.....Yep. It just feels right, ya know? Let's get it on.......

First Place--Mazins (and Overall Comments)

The A - Dog. GM and Chief Bottle Washer of the Mazins. Oh, there he is.... Hell, I can almost hear Bert Parks croon those words as I pen this doggerel. So there you have it. Andy & the Mazins. Once again atop the roto-heap, like some roto-ball, hirsuteless version of Hong Kong's Tian Tan Buddha. Below him, eight of the remaining roto-contestants, hanging in there, more or less, like a roto version of the Hong Kong Cavaliers, ultimately left behind by the Yoyodyne Propulsion impetus that put the Mazins over the top. But what to make of the Leathernuts, the last of the remaining nine? Well, it's said the 250-ton Buddha can, on a clear day, be seen from Macau, which is approximately as far away from Hong Kong as the 'Nuts ended up from first place. No truth to the rumor that the Buddha ate David Wells, though. That questionable honor reportedly goes to Antonio Alfonseca.

Second Place--Ballbusters

Made an admirable desperation run at the champs, but fell just a Marion Jones' long jump short of a two-peat (was that some serious armpit hair I saw sprouting in that reprinted shot of her waving the flag?). Some advice to the 'busters: Next year, leave Barry to the grand jury. And sorry, Sydney.

Third Place--PussJackers

Anuzza team in the final mix, thanks in large part to miraculously healthy and productive years from Junior Griffey and Chip (Feets, Don't Fail Me Now) Jones. And let's not forget A-Rod, just Barry Zito. Nice strategery loading up on closers late on. One wonders what might have happened if the man-love for Aaron Heilman hadn't got in the way.....

Fourth Place--Paper Cutters

What can say? Prince Albert (not in the can) was a major disappointment. But at least the Cutters didna recycle 2006. Came from well back late to make a respectable finish. Better luck next season.

Fifth Place--Bombers

The team with arguably the coolest logo in the league (Hubbah! Hubbah!) managed to get a squadron or two off the ground in the final quarter, thanks in part to an unbalanced roster tilted towards hitting after the September callup draft. Dumping off that ERA dirty bomb known as Daniel Cabrera to the desperate Expectorators didn't hurt, either.

Sixth Place--Expectorators

Wow. No sign of Will or Grace here (thank the stars). What looked like a non-existent ERA race at the trade deadline turned out to be fairly close--without the trade acquisition of Dan (Nuke-Ye-Ar) Cabrera for Eric Gagne, that is. In second place as late as 8/27, in third as late as 8/31. Wha' happen? Well, with Sheff on the DL, the Tigers went from 1/2 game behind Cleveland to 7 games back. When he come back, dude was never the same. And Morneau went from soup-er-man to vichysoisse in the second half. Bum shoulders, bad backs. Roland. Freel. Podssuksdik. If that wasn't enough, MLB managerial roster moves proved the coup de gras for these gras samplers. Thanks, Jim Leyland. I hereby volunteer to represent your widow in her inevitable suit against the tobacco companies and the local firm of Shook, Hardy & Bacon. I'll do my best. Promise.

Seventh Place--Red Foxes

The stars must've been misaligned for this perrennial front-runner. Finished week 20 in fourth place. Then he decided to spend more time with brilliant son Tom before he turned 18, coupled with a Willo junket to merry old England. Dude's got to get his priorities straight. Did a fine job as Commish, though.

Eighth Place--Panzas

Did they mail it in again in this year? Maybe. But loading up on closers appears to have worked in the last quarter. Even so, this team needs to quit loading up on so many East Coast players alla time. Oughta draft all Left Coast players next year. Doesn't pay that much attention anyway, anymore. Still waiting in these here parts for a report on the Calgary Stampede. I gotta hunch it would make for good bathroom reading.

Ninth Place--Tamales

This team this year might qualify as the roto-equivalent of the Bataan death march. Things got real ugly, real fast. They mostly stayed all season. Lotsa malingering players who never quite made it to the DL for weeks on end. Even so, the temptation to pull the trigger on all those NR moves was held in check by the GM until the very last. Managed to get as high as fifth place at the end of week 25, when the bottom fell out. Maybe the Rocket had something to do with it.

Tenth Place--Leathernuts

Led the cellar dwellers with a tenth-place finish 20 out of 26 weeks. Set a new record for fewest total pitching points in a season with 9.0, edging out the 2005 Paper Cutters by a full point. YO! MEL!! MEL!!! Did, however, prove to be a pain in the Expectorators' kiester in RBI (still held on there due to the Mags) and R categories until Troy Glaus, Corey Patterson, and Gary Matthews, Jr. got hurt and weren't replaced. Advice: Bone up on the rules, counselor.


Guess that's a wrap. So far as I know, no evidence confirming the rumors that Tim McClelland purposely blew the bogus call at the plate last Monday in the Rox - Padres play-in game, thereby denying some competing roto-teams some additional at bats. Nor is there any hard evidence that first base umpire Mike Winters purposely goaded Milton Bradley in order to ensure he would miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL. But Blue Monkeys....well, Blue Monkeys......they have cell phones, don't they?

-- Terry