CyberZahm

Hemingway said that all true stories end in death. There are many who know that every week's LMS report is a true story. WEEK 4 was certainly one true story for this year.

It seemed it would be yet another perfect Fall day for the superior caged ones. Nature's early autumn glow was quietly splendid in the cool morning air, and the genius horde was certain that the final week of September would pass in as uneventful fashion as the cheap second hand sweep of OJ's fake Rolex. THE ZOOKEEPER was loading the finest of football's fearless forecasters into their chosen spots in his usual post Saturday evening Muscatel aided fashion, monotonously greeting the flow of animals on yet another football Sunday morning, rolling on with their smug confidence as they always do, entering their cages with expectations as routine as advertisements for figure enhancing underwear and sex toys on Chinese television.

Quicker than either the suddenness of lightning or reactions from a drunken Blackwater trigger man, the disaster struck. When the storm had passed, THE ZOOKEEPER had to eliminate animals faster than Michael Vick on a bad betting day at the Bad Newz Kennels. Chargers, Steelers, Jets, Texans, Dolphins and Ravens lie in a cageless heap like so many lead laden Thomas the Train toys in the Wal-Mart stock room, and September's close for cage cleaning counts had fallen to nearly two out of every three wannabe football geniuses shot down like pigeons over Paul Brown Stadium.

Welcome to October, caged ones. Take a look to your left and then take a look to your right. You'll get that sixth sense feeling that you can see empty cages. They're everywhere. And they even include yet another DQ.

TIMSKIMMERS was the latest to fall victim to the allure of past performance as the Cowboys proved too tempting for him in WEEK 4, following their success for him in WEEK 1. Once again, protestations that "it was all an innocent mistake" fell like trees in an empty forest. CHECK YOUR LISTED PICKS. And, on another scolding note, some of you animals are not being responsive to your sponsors by getting your picks in on time. If you are late and your sponsor makes a pick for you, that sponsor's choice will be the choice that is official. End of story.

Time to move on and get to the business at hand. The man from the Van will continue to investigate the suspicious demise of Miss Monneypenny, while leaving you with this week's numbers:

2168 IN, 4038 OUT, 3 DQ'D. 1009 TITANS (will they be remembered fondly), 405 COLTS, 339 VIDEO TAPE CHEATERS, 105 COWBOYS (bastards), 96 TEXANS, 68 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 53 PACKERS FROM THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD, 35 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 22 CARDINALS, 12 AINT'S, 11 RAVENS, 6 NATIVE AMERICANS, 2 LIGHTNING BOLTS, and a batch of lone wolf sluggers, 1 DA BEARS, 1 BRONCO, 1 CHEF, 1 FALCON, 1 SEAHAWK.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS highlights the five lone wolf selectors, THE PAWN taking DA BEARS (a 3 point road dog in Green Bay), PACO CRAMDON taking the BRONCOS (a 1 point fave at home against the lightning bolts), B BLACK 2 taking the CHEFS (a 2 point home dog against the Jaggywires), BEEBOP taking the FALCONS (a 9 point road dog against 1009 less knowledgeable Titan animals), and LITTLE MAN taking the SEAHAWKS (a 6 point road dog against the mighty mighty Steelers).

You have to feel a little sorry for LITTLE MAN taking such a courageous pick and still losing out to this week's POW winner, BEEBOP. We had to check that Falcon pick twice to be sure it was correct. Amazing. Congratulations, BEEBOP. Did you know that Hockey Season is starting?

STUPID LETTER OF THE WEEK:

Dear ZOOKEEPER: I am out already with all 3 of my picks so I went on EBAY to see if I could purchase any more. When I entered "LMS Football picks for sale", I was taken to an auction listing for Sebastian Cabot memorabilia. Are you in need of any such items, and could I bargain to re-enter the pool if I could provide you with some choice items from the great man? signed, KC1,2, and 3.

Dear KC 123: I am familiar with that listing and advise you to be wary of it. I purchased what was advertised to be the hat that Seb wore as the taxi driver in "Always a Bride" the General Films release from 1953, and subsequent DNA testing proved it to be a clever counterfeit. Likewise, I'm sure, the advertised facial hair clippings would be suspect. Creative appeal for re-entering, though. See you next year. ZK

That's it for this week. ND continues the quest for a return to glory with the Bruins of UCLA up next. Will the thunder finally shake down from the California sky? Stay tuned. Peace. Out.