The Virtual Dorm
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-- Bar Jokes
LMS 2007 Week FourPosted: 2007-10-01
HARVEST MOON SHINES LIGHT ON 2 DQ'S! - Traditions are an integral part of our social connections. The rites of passing seasons have long connected us to earlier generations through annually repeated cultural rituals like GM Strikes and Milton Bradley melt downs.
In some ancient societies the rising of the Harvest Moon was celebrated with alcohol encouraged activities that included wild parties, colorful costumes, frenzied dances, and generally outrageous behavior, allowing the participants to step outside of their normal social roles, and into bizarre counter-cultural experiences, signifying a transformation from what had gone before to what was now at hand. It was kind of like a party in Oscar De LaHoya's hotel room. Likewise, the LMS Cages have their annual Harvest Moon traditions, namely the arrivals of the first DQ's of the season.
Yes, animals, feel free to savagely enjoy the ouster of our first two Football Geniuses to pick teams already used in previous weeks. Apparently the lure of the Mighty Mighty Steelers was too much for both THE ALBANY RIVER RATS, and THE IS AND WILL BE. The RIVER RATS were probably too stressed out by the Bronco's lucky escape in Week Two, and so decided to go back again to their more comfortable Week One pick Steelers. THE IS, who now won't be, just decided to stand pat with his Week Two Steelers into Week Three.
As decisions go, these two rank right there with Greg Ryan benching Hope Solo or Kirby and Guillermo deciding to take the Joe Cool out for some marlin. It was a wrong decision and anybody that knows anything about the game knows that. But don't worry guys, Halo 3 is finally out, and that should easily occupy your time for the rest of this year. Other animals should note that the ousted animals' protestations that "it was just a mistake" fell on deaf ears in the LMS Court of Appeals. Floyd Landis couldn't have put forth a more persuasive argument for innocence, but it was all to no avail. The ruling came down as harshly as a Lee Bollinger toast to the guest of honor - DQ affirmed. Better check those picks each week before game time, animals. A DQ or an errant out can be worse than a taser shot at a John Kerry rally.
Once again THE ZOOKEEPER's animals got shafted by the MacArthur Fellowship Program people who handed out Genius Grants this week. Apparently they just don't realize the brilliance of CAPTAIN AMERICA's achievements or the limitless potential of the BATTLING BUDONKADONKS. It remains an outrageous sham that this program refuses to recognize true Football Genius while handing out a half mil to Medieval Historians and Nanotechnologists. Fortunately, THE ZOOKEEPER knows the potential of the grape to soften and assuage these outrageous slights. Time for this week's numbers:
4065 IN. 2142 OUT. 2 DQ'D. 1720 COWBOYS (bastards), 1528 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 381 COLTS, 99 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 67 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 66 TEXANS, 60 DOLPHINS, 47 RAVENS, 29 VIDEO TAPE CHEATING PATRIOTS, 20 PACKERS FROM THE FROZEN FIELD OF LAMBEAU FIELD, 10 DA BEARS, 7 EGGLES, 6 LIONS, 6 PANTHERS, 5 SEAHAWKS, 5 VIKINGS, 2 BILLS, 2 BUCS, 2 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, and 3 lone wolf picks, 1 CARDINAL, 1 FALCON, and 1 RAYDAH.
PICK OF THE WEEK competition comes down to JADE who has the 6 point home dog Cardinals, LEAFS IN 08 who has the 3 point home dog haters, and BAZOOKA with the 4 1/2 point road dog Silver and Black. And the award goes to ........ LEAFS IN 08. Hockey season coming soon, eh you hoser?
LETTER OF THE WEEK:
Dear ZOOKEEPER: I have been in the Pool for 5 years now and realize that I have fallen in love with you. Where is the Van Down by the River located? I want to stop by and help you write the Weekly Report. I'll bring a video camera and some Muscatel. signed, BITE ME ZOOKEEPER
Dear BMZ: Whoa Nellie! There will be no cameras brought to the Van. Look at what a mess they made of that Abu Gharib thing. As for your stopping by, I'm not sure that Mrs. ZOOKEEPER will approve. She's still getting over those Miley Cyrus rumors. You know how these things get blown out of proportion. As for the Muscatel, sure, drop it off. Kiefer Sutherland was here last week and put a pretty good dent in the stock.
That's it for this week. Pray for peace and a cure for ND. Finally, please, a moment of silence for Marcel Marceau: