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Johnny Good Times Disses Baseball

Posted: 2007-04-24

Innocent enjoyment of classic Lasorda diatribe leads to pronouncement that baseball is a "dead man's game".

Andy distributed the audio file.

John responded with "Tommy Lasorda must have great control over himself and the English language. He always comes off as an altar boy on TV or radio. I never knew that he knew such words. What I couldn't understand is how a fella can get so worked up over such a dead man's game."

When asked to explain John expanded, as follows:

There is not much to say Andrew. Sit quietly with yourself. Search your inner feelings. There... squeezed in there... in between the feelings you have about golf and the ones you have about hot gals with big boobs [Editor's note .. see image] ... are the quiet true feelings you have about baselball.

You know as well as I that baseball is a boring sport to watch. It is. You know it. Search your feelings Andrew. Don't hand me any horseshit about it. Go to a game... and ... what is it... the third inning? "Isn't it OVER yet? Please dear God, make all these guys pop up or strike out so we can get the hell out of here." Drinking a lot of beer used to help. But now with all of us sporting swelled prostates, drinking volumes of beer while sitting in Row G, Seat 45E is a nightmare scenario.

Baseball totally sucks because there is nothing more boring in real time than a baseball game in July between the Devil Rays and Royals. And the Pirates and anyone. Hey! I got tickets here! Pirates and Marlins!... You would pay to watch that game? You would actually stay for all 9 innings? Please, again dear God, make me ill, though not mortally ill, but ill enough so I dont have to go... Baseball and cricket. Joined at the hip. BORING.

The only exceptions are playoff games and big time seasonal rivalries, such as the Red Sox and Yankees. Or where first place is on the line late in the season. Box scores are fun to look at too in the morning. And the standings. You can follow a team that way. Play roto sports. Root for this or that to happen. But all of that is a vicarious thrill. Thankfully, to follow along that way we dont have to go to game or watch any of it on TV.

And then there is the history of it. THAT is actually the BEST part. You can always screen out the babes you may or may not want to sleep with by winding the conversation back to the 1960 World Series. Seventh game. Tell the story of that last inning, but mention that Billy M played SS. If she corrects you... damn... you wanna just jump into bed with her. If she is clueless about the obvious error you laid out there for her to catch... well toss her aside. Move on. You may, however, grant the gal a waiver on this matter, depending on her other attributes [Editor's note - see image].

And then there are the goose bumps that come with Lou G's Yankee Stadium farewell to life. The Babe. The candy bar. 1951. The curse and the ball rolling between Buckner's legs in 1986. Casey Stengal. Yogi Berra quips. Stan the Man. Jackie Robinson stealing home. And so on. And so on again. The truly best part of this best part to baseball is that we don't have to watch any of the games to appreciate and love the history of it. I really liked that Lasorda tape. Awesome.

But it is all in the history.

Baseball is great because of all the dead men we like to talk about. Lasorda ain't dead yet, I know. But soon he will be, like all the rest of them.

It's a dead man's game.