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LMS XVII: Final - Is That a Big Gavel in your Pants or are You Just Happy This Thing is Done

Posted: 2011-01-07

As the great Don Dunphy would say, “It’s over. It’s all over.” And in less time than it would take to read the Constitution, LMS XVII will soon be in the rear view mirror as distant as the memory of Rich Rodriguez’s stay at Michigan. No need for Boehner tears here. Animal up. THE WORLD’S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL moves on. Congratulations to the ...

... 35 who remain standing after all is done. While 6,770 of their fellow caged animals fell like blackbirds from the skies above Beebe, Arkansas, these now champion pigskin prognosticators maneuvered their way through 17 weeks of perilous predicaments, punishing pitfalls, and improbable prophetic picks to earn the title of true FOOTBALL GENIUS. Well played, geniuses, well played.

Sponsors should get the names and addresses of winning genius animals to THE ZOOKEEPER if they have not already done so. Those reporting to date have committed to using their winnings to help bring about a more just, verdant and peaceful earth – after they party it up a bit. (All except KARDOS. He has instructed THE ZOOKEEPER to keep his winnings and pre-pay his pool fees for the next 97 years). 6,805 X 50 / 2 / 35 = a couple hundred trillion Zimbabwe bucks. You can do the math. More challenged animals can get a 5th grader to do it for them. It’s not quite as much as Cam Newton’s dad expected to knock down, but it’s probably more than you won in the last power ball drawing, and maybe enough to lower your Christmas debt ceiling. Attached here for the more refined cage citizens clinging to second place rationalizations is the historical listing of where LMS funds have been distributed since the beginning of time as we know it. Well played, animals, well played.

The Sebastian Cabot recordings have been packed in their plastic sleeves and placed high on the shelf safely above the river’s spring flooding waterline. Newspaper and Muscatel deliveries have been cancelled. THE ZOOKEEPER will soon be on his way to a welcomed hiatus at his secret fortress of solitude with nothing more than a truckload of Muscatel, some government cheese, and a digital recording of Notre Dame’s Sun Bowl victory. Hopefully, he will return next August. Rumor has it that he has been promised a cameo appearance in Captain Honor’s next video shoot. In his absence, the LMS STAFF will monitor all necessary communications with the animals. In order for any suggestions for improvement to THE WORLD’S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL to be considered, they should be sent on 5x8 index cards (no more than 50 words, please), and mailed to:


That’s it. As Sergeant Preston of the Yukon Police would say, “King, this case is closed.” R.I.P. Bonnie. Peace. Out.