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LMS XVII: Week 14 - Hostages

Posted: 2010-12-12

The path to perfection continues before you. After results from San Diego in WEEK THIRTEEN that were as improbable as a shark attack in the Red Sea (and just as deadly to 162 animals), as well as some other unexpected events around the cages, 451 animals now find …

… themselves remaining with a 4th and 4 as the cage calendar clock continues to wind down. Soon to be certified FOOTBALL GENIUSES know what their remaining fight needs to be. No time for compromise here. Just win, baby, win.

The holiday season is upon us and the animals have been as anxious and as curious as Columbia University kids looking for their candy. They have so many innocent questions for THE ZOOKEEPER (they are SO needy). Is there really a Santa Claus and is THE ZOOKEEPER related to him? Does THE ZOOKEEPER celebrate Festivus with an unadorned pole stored in the crawl space of THE VAN, and how many animals does he allow to participate in the Airing of the Grievances? Why didn’t Adam Sandler include THE ZOOKEEPER in that Hanukkah song? If the animals don’t get their picks in on time, do they get coal in their stockings? Has anyone ever seen THE ZOOKEEPER naked? As you can imagine, the holiday letters and cards just go on and on.

In order to put some of the myths and facts in their proper light, and to ease the pressure on some of the life and death related issues that now weigh upon the remaining animals feeling the pressure of the all-consuming weight in THE WORLD’S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL, THE ZOOKEEPER is offering these myth busting clarifications for the animals:

MYTH – There will soon be announced a second chance pool because second place finishing animals have joined with Wal Mart workers in a class action suit claiming unfair practices in denying them another chance, after exiting due to just one little mistake, while others who don’t know JACK SCHITT about football are allowed to move forward.

FACT – SLUGGO started this rumor because he felt unjustly picked upon because he hasn’t won for the 17th consecutive season, and he has “only made one mistake” each of those years. You might recall that SLUGGO is the animal who offers all others an equal split after WEEK ONE when he survives the opening week.

MYTH – THE ZOOKEEPER has a secret plan to eliminate cages in the final 4 weeks that includes using an Archimedes Solar Ray design to blast animals out of their cages in spectacular fiery fashion.

FACT – THE ZOOKEEPER is quite content with whatever final numbers are achieved. FOOTBALL GENIUS is FOOTBALL GENIUS. It’s just that some FOOTBALL GENIUS is worth more than other FOOTBALL GENIUS. That’s just the way it is.

MYTH – THE ZOOKEEPER has banned Julian Assange from the pool because he leaked Wiki documents that exposed his plans to blast the animals out of their cages with an Archimedes Solar Ray in spectacular fiery fashion.

FACT – The only Wiki document that had THE ZOOKEEPER the least concerned was one reported as a TSA picture file showing certain images of his anatomy that are best kept confidential. The leaking of such images has since been proven inaccurate.

MYTH – In an MTV production, THE ZOOKEEPER will descend in a ball at Times Square on New Year’s Eve with Snooki.

FACT – That’s ridiculous. THE ZOOKEEPER will be keeping tabs on the Fallen Catholics vs. the Reformed Convicts in El Paso on New Year’s Eve.

MYTH – THE ZOOKEEPER will have to write over 400 checks unless he comes up with a plan to eliminate over 400 animals in some kind of spectacular fiery fashion in the next four weeks.

FACT – That remains to be seen.

FACT – Your numbers have arrived. Lots of spread action this week.

6343 OUT, 11 DQ’D, 451 IN. 108 FALCONS, 104 JAGGYWIRES, 88 J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, 38 MIGHTY MIGHTY STEELERS, 30 LIGHTNING BOLTS (bastards), 18 COLTS, 14 SAINTS, 12 BRONCOS, 9 PACKERS (from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field), 8 EGGLES, 6 49ERS, 6 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 5 BROWNS, and an incredible 5 lone wolf selections: 1 CHEF, 1 NATIVE AMERICAN, 1 RAYDAH, 1 SEAHAWK, 1 TEXAN

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS goes to DUKE taking the 5 point road dog Seahawks in San Francisco. DUKE may have started celebrating Mojo Rison’s pardon early this week. Honorable mention to PIRATE taking the 4 point road dog Raiders in Jacksonville. 104 Jaggywires out there and PIRATE stands up to them all alone in WEEK FOURTEEN. Ya gotta love it.

That’s it for this week, animals. Operation Pay Out continues to separate the strong from the faint of heart. R.I.P. Liz Edwards, Ron Santo, John Lennon, and Dandy Don. Turn out the lights, the party’s over ….Peace. Out.