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LMS XVII: Week 13 - Doldrums

Posted: 2010-12-03

Welcome to December. The air surrounding the cages is cooler here following our WEEK TWELVE hiatus bringing this eerie calm, and the 300 sextillion stars around us are now clear reminders in the darkened sky of the vastness that defines the borders of our journey. The snow has already fallen over much of ...

... the cages, and the Christmas Moon and Winter Solstice lie just beyond the horizon ahead. This journey continues for 624 of you with five weeks remaining to your destiny with football immortality – full fledged FOOTBALL GENIUS status - in this, THE WORLD’S GREATEST FOOTBALL POOL. Don’t weaken now, caged ones. Pressure is rising. No need to grab the Festivus Pole to display your feats of strength yet. There is still plenty of time to pick up your LMS Christmas Gift Certificates. Right now you just need to focus on what’s important. Just win, baby, win.

The 2010 Hurricane Season is officially ended. Starting with Alex and ending with Tomas, this season was particularly busy with more active storm systems occurring simultaneously than Brett Favre retirement announcements, and yet none hit landfall in the U.S. despite the Mitch McConnell-like dire warnings of ruination to us all, to the contrary. Sometimes these things, like LMS Cage Storms, are just unpredictable. Just ask UNCLE COOL who continues to whine weekly about the Browns knocking off the Patriots in WEEK NINE. THE ZOOKEEPER is just letting that situation slide for now, but if UNCLE tweets God again, he’ll have to give him that referral he seeks for professional mental health care.

Like this hurricane season, WEEK TWELVE saw much storm activity (9 out of the top 10 selections trailed in the second half last week), but damage to the cage population was minimal. John Kasay’s fourth field goal attempt bounced dully off the upright in Clevleand and over 300 animals celebrated wildly while 6,500 of their fellow animals watched in dismay. So it goes.

The Wikileaks are now confirmed. Triskaidekaphobia be damned. WEEK THIRTEEN numbers:

6170 OUT. 11 DQ’D. 624 IN. 277 EGGLES, 161 LIGHTNING BOLTS, 75 SEAHAWKS, 29 BEARS, 19 NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS, 19 VIKINGS, 15 PACKERS (from the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field), 9 CHEFS, 8 DOLPHINS, 6 SAINTS, 2 FALCONS, and one lone wolf with the huge cajones taking RAMS.

PICK OF THE WEEK HONORS goes to STUCKINTHEVILLE taking the 5-6 Rams on the road in Arizona. His SPONSOR assured THE ZOOKEEPER that was what he had copied on to his Lady Gaga CD and submitted. Honorable Mention goes to the two Falcons, BLUE DUCKS and TEAM MANILOW. They also like Qatar in the 2022 World Cup if you want to get on the right side of that action with them.

That’s it for this week. Say a prayer that Jon Gruden NEVER goes to Miami. R.I.P. Gil McDougald, Frank Drebbin, and umpire DOM. Enrico Palazzo, we hardly knew ye. Peace. Out.