I read with interest the banter that went back and forth last week about
the quality of today's major league umpires.  Since I was out of town
and didn't have the time to watch a lot of the action first hand, I
thought I should watch a few games closely before passing judgment.

Well, after watching action this past weekend as well as last night's
game, I say the current crop of major league umpires are a bunch of fat
monkeys in blue suits! Just like monkeys at the zoo, they love
attention. They like to grandstand, squawk and through fits when people
are watching. What gets me more than anything though is the size of
these blue monkeys.  Most of them are grossly overweight.  It's no
wonder they have trouble getting in good position to properly rule on a
play.  They can't even get out of the way when the ball is hit at them
for howling out loud!  Their triple chins also seem to get in the way
when they try to turn their heads quickly to see the play.  I submit
that early signs of diabetes caused by obesity may also affect their
eyesight, hence the difficulty with determining the actual strike zone
or whether a fan touched a ball in play.

Think about it for a second, one of the major hurdles that MLB had to
get over during the last round of negotiations with these apes was how
much their per diem expense account should be.  I think they got
something like $200 per day for food and drink.  $200 PER DAY!  I'll bet
you most of the apes spend every penny of that too!  Just look at them.
In fact, the next time you see a rhubarb between a player and the
umpire, do what I do.  Imagine the monkey holding a banana in his hand.
It'll surely make you laugh.  Hey Andy, do you have bananas with your
Wheaties in the morning?  Just wondering.

Earl Weaver