Prep's Pithy and Profound Predictions:

It was an excellent draft, and now it's time for a big dose of reality.
Here are my pithy and profound predictions for the outcome this season,
starting with last place:

12. Hogmen: Alcohol was clearly in the driver's seat here. The Hogmen
will finish dead last, with the emphasis on dead. Willo, your daddy is
not happy with you. Posada and Molina couldn't back up a toilet. This
roster has more vegetables than a farmer's market.

11. Mazins: Tough break in the early going of the draft. The owner tried
to bring salvation to an aging juicer with an attitude, but the baseball
gods would have none of it. Might as well mix up some Kool Aid,
Reverend. But for the problem child, you would be proof of the adage
that nice guys finish last.

10. Tamales: This team's draft strategy was apparently inspired by
Roberto Duran; "No mas!" seems to be its motto. Many "white flag" picks
here, beginning with Ichiro in Round 1. 

9. Busters: Goodbye, Cyberzahm, hello, Williamsport. The guru of youth
baseball has assembled a cast that could hardly compete in the Little
League World Series, let alone the Big Show. Even at that level, China
will conquer Taiwan before the Busters do. Sosa goes from the Cubs to
Baltimore; wasn't that enough of a clue?

8. Panzas: Such promise, such disappointment. Blood must truly be
thicker than water; otherwise, Nephew would have washed his hands of
Albert's draft strategy long ago. Santana was a good choice, but the
rest of this Big Apple team is rotten to the core.

7. Expectorators: Abandon shit! Sabathia (ailing) and Greinke will
anchor the Expectorator staff. Literally. Captain Muff turned out some
fine humor during the draft, but the biggest joke was his roster. Talk
about shooting in the dark - at least Popeye had one eye open when he
took on the competition.

6. Cutters: I thought this team would be strong, but it should be beaten
to a pulp. If Percival chips in 40 saves, I'll be surprised. The rest of
the staff may log a few innings, but there are no studs here. The team
will never bond together and should fold early. 

5. Pussjackers: Appeared to be on track in the early going with Rolen
and Helton, but now looks like a train wreck. Clemens and Leiter? The
only one doing any retiring this year for the 'Jackers will be their
owner. Plan on this bunch competing deep into May.

4. Pinstripes: No wonder medical malpractice insurance is so high.
Doctor, you won't heal thyself this year. Went South for quite a number
of prospects. Probably wanted to get a look at where the whole team is
going well before season's end. The Radke pick was, of course,
brilliant, but the team EEG looks pretty flat otherwise.

3. Bombers: Oh. Is that the team name? The roster screams "Bummers."
This former champion is beginning its long, slow decline. Lidge? Him
bad. But Colon and Delgado? Hahahahahahahaha. Good thing you do
submarines, Mags. You'll be experiencing that sinking feeling.

2. Red Foxes: Very impressive outfit. I says to myself, "Self, how does
Fox put together such a promising runnerup?" Frankly, I think young Tom
is the man behind the curtain here. Okay, so Berroa was a "What were you
thinking?!" pick, but Jeter and Soriano will keep the Foxes in the hunt.
Bottom line, though: stick to chasing coeds, Fox, because you won't
catch...

The 2005 Cyberzahm Rotoball Champions:

1. Leathernuts: Meet Destiny's children. A splendid blend of youth and
experience, competitive in all categories. Set draft objectives too low
- planned to win, should have planned for a rout. Vladdy and Roy and
LaTroy - oh, boy! Biggio? One for the ages. The only task left for this
team is polishing the rear view mirrors, because they'll be watching the
rest of the pack far behind them.

Play ball!